Gonna need a wrench to fix my heart :(

Recently, everything has been hectic enough for me NOT to write posts on this blog, and frankly I find that my readers have stopped reading this do to the lack of posting. I apologize for that. I've been going through alot of sh*t that seems to come to me like a wave of continous negative energy that just pushes me away from the computer. I've been isolating myself in the basement to forget everything, shooting Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty has not been the best stress reliever, but it has SOME effects (like continous nightmares of shooting clows for some reason........weird)

My heart has been broken, its the first real relationship that I'VE screwded up. I'd admit, I am not the only one that was the cause of this. I've been getting so much diss from both sides of the relationship. Inter-racial relationships are the hardest, becauses people have such a misunderstanding of culture, and discriminating comments about each other are always said behind each others doors. I loved her dearly, but I feel like my skin color had something to do with her family and her fears. And i feel like i'm no longer able to prepare myself for another disaster like the first one that i've done. There is nothing more important besides love. I've always been told this, and everybody should know this, : It is better to love and loss than have never loved at all. »

Frankly i dont know who said that, but it makes me feel a little better. And i've been deeply thinking for the past few weeks. It simply a matter of time before it catches me, my complete problems are towards my «special needs» and i require the right tools for me to build a strong foundation. I've lost someone because of my complete anxiety and my obsession of the first person that i've loved. I can no longer take the simple pain of heartbrake and put it to rest, i've been told that it usually takes 2-3 days to let go, but we all know that there is no estimations regarding broken hearts and WHEN we will get over it. I've been depressed for a while, she has forgiven me, and i've forgiven her, my heart wants her back, but i know i cannot be prepared for this alone. I've narrowed it down by my problems and made a small list of the complications that have come across a such relationship.

1. With me, it was the color of the skin, as much i liked her, and as much as her parents liked me, there will be always discriminating words coming from both sides. Inter-Racial love is the thoughest thing to live by.

2. Culture is one thing, RESPECT of each other's culture is another. I've tried to research the African culture that she was from and came up barely full of satisfying results.

3. I need to shut up, that is all i can say, i have to stop thinking of the future and the : What if's? »

4. Giving me another chance will make everything better?? Not quite, frankly i need to learn boundaries that where never given to me. Its like being a carpenter building a house: you need a full «complete» kit right?? And i feel like i'm that carpenter, yet i have less that a full kit. I feel terrible, i love her so much, my heart has been aching the momment i laid eyes on her, i hate the fact that friendship can be so complicated AFTER you've finished dating each other.

Things will not go smoothly for the next few weeks (or even months) says my gut feeling.

Let just hope that my prayer for patience better get here ASAP!! (I did ask for them to be expedited. HAHAHAHA!! A JOKE!! AT A TIME LIKE THIS???!!! )

*sigh* if only love wasn't THAT complex.

Signing off

T