What is love?? I don't understand

For someone like me, I see love as a sign of affection, (I'm pretty sure that's an obvious for anyone that reads this) yet what I notice, is that when you think you love someone and can see yourself with them, then the next day, you go and meet that someone, you have a hard time picturing THEM because they are right THERE, it gets complicated into my mind when it comes to that,

my question is: Is there truely love for everyone?? Sadly, i've had little faith in my life when it comes to relationships, i see myself as a complicated person who is hard to understand, and when i say that i will elaborate:  I can't seem to talk verbaly with big words when i'm with someone, however when it comes to chatting with someone on MSN, FACEBOOK, EBUDDY, Etc. i seem to sound like one gigantic nerd that has this GREAT vocabulary, i don't know why that happens, I guess when people don't see me, i don't get nervous, and that comes when i have a relationship with someone,


Like for example, i don't do PDA (Personal Display of Affection) i do PrvDA (Private Display of Affection), that's one of the things I can't control, i don't like for people to know that i'm dating someone, or anything that the world can critize, especially when there are people that can make my life (and other people miserable), it sucks to see what people can do to each other, so cruely, so without regret and remorse (when that comes to murder and rape, of course.) I can't see myself having some public relationship with someone, to me, it doesn't click with me, and besides......i need my privacy.

 But when it comes to being alone with that person and getting that time that you've desired, you get alot of pressure off of you, that's just plain logic, it's simple, if i'm unable to have a public relationship in front of the others, it simply stresses me out. BUT, when it comes to being in your own comfort zone (AKA: Alone with that person that you love.) you get changed immediately.
And besides, there is bound to be people like me (Without the Aspergers) that just want a private relationship. I've always thought before that it was just completely ab-normal that someone would want that.

And when it comes to having someone special in my life, i have none at the momment, what is there to tell if i have nothing?? I do love someone, but is there something that i have to do to get acceptance from this person?? I don't ask someone out via : chatbox, i do it by letter and try  have a nice writing (which i don't have that talent........yet) when i do that, i seem to have that something better than just words, when i write my honest feelings, i have that capability to have anything achieved, getting people to understand (somehow THAT works) whatever the case, i see that writing everything down that i want to say, seems better than words.......it's a bad thing for me, because i need to practice speaking and getting those GD social cues!!

But the sooner the better, is what i say sometimes.

Oh well.......nothing changed yet,

Tyler Mac

Grandfather is gone....and so am I

**sigh**

Writing this, makes me feel cold, I have so many things to catch up, since grandpa's death, (two saturdays ago) i have felt different emotions, Hatred, Depression, Joy, Saddness, and even some that are indescribable , During the time of death of my grandfather, my father has been very sad, i feel very sad aswell, yet i feel bad because i don't share that same feelings as he does, which is of course: Pain, Suffering, Saddness, i feel different, something that is a positive thing, when i heard that my grandfather died, right after work, as soon as i heard the terrible and tragic news, i said to god: - It's not your fault, people say it is, but it's not.''

For the next seven-eight days, i have witness different emotions, met different people that where connected to my grandfather, never have i met someone like him who has the nerve to speak with so many people and change them for who they are. He was kind, generous, funny sense of humour, caring and attentive.

After the funeral, people invited us to his favorite pub, drinks where served, great stories where told about him.

- Goodbye Grandpa." i said as we left the pub with smiles on our faces.

** End**

_________________________________________

Continuing on, Today is my first day of school since i've returned from our ''trip'', I feel depressed lately, even though it may involve Grandpa's death, it took me a frickin while for me to feel the pain, to be honest, i don't see saddness in death, the last funeral i was in, when they buried the person who died, i was sad, yes, but i wasn't sad as in:  I'm really upset that this such person does not exist and i can't stand the baring pain of it, so crying has to help me release the pain...."  i don't do that.

Moving on, Since i've been staying (in total) of two weeks in Ottawa and Montreal, i've been somewhat School-Sick, and my friends that mean alot to me, i've miss them aswell,

Including someone special, lately i've been frantic about a special someone that meant alot to me, (it's been about close to a month that i HAD these feelings) but unfortunately, people have made proof of evil deeds that the person i love has made.

This person has betrayed me, and backstabbed me, i feel used and mocked behind my back. I fully don't understand how a person that meant alot to me and seemed to have a wonderful friendly relationship has the guts to turn like some pathetic A**hole!!! What is the motivation for that??! has there been some contact with some satanic worshiper and has taken possesion of this person??!!! And the worst part is that i've told her my problems and my life with Aspergers and ADHD, and that just sucks monkey ba**!!! I can't believe that i've done that,

It doesn't seem that this person has the guts to do that, when you just look at them.


Let her  go!! i say!!

Tyler Mac