..........................................I can't believe anymore

I have failed, i needed someone,  i have revealed and i have failed, my heart was taken and thrown back into it socket shaken.....i was not delighted. My heart is bleeding, my eyes are moist with tears of shame, i can never be the same...i have failed myself and my feelings. My instincts are false, my life has crumbled the moutains, my horrific face has scared the eyes of children for to long.

She lied, i believed it, she says she was joking about it, i couldn't be more shattered, i am destroyed, love has left my soul and has disintegratted as it left me, i have no more affection. My heart has been crushed by her foot, it aches as i rise from the collaspes ashes of my soul, i can't take this pain no longer. I never deserve love. I never have been worthy.

I deserve a lonely death, i deserve pain and suffering, They all had me fooled....i had myself fooled. I was shocked, i am ready to cry right now as i write. My eyes are soaked with pain and have decloaked to the crowd that watches me.

Jehovah God, i don't not blame, i blame myself, my life at school has changed, i have never should have spoken out, I can only hate myself, My heart aches, she smiled and walked away. I was ready to jump, i crushed myself.

I vow to never love again......

your hear me??!!!!!

Well....i hope you did.

Man...this isn't good..really...i'm pretty sure.

Oh god, what the hell have i done?!!! i couldn't take it anymore, i had to tell her, it wasn't pretty, i couldn't stand it any longer. What have i done lately to derserve this???!!! Let me tell you what i've done, (i apologize...it happened yesterday After i published yesterdays post)

I was having a ball with my friends and with her, it was great, i liked it, actually i enjoyed it whatever the case, she smiled at me, she made me feel special, and i like special, somewhat??? it's hard for me to express myslef honestly in front of someone's face, with Asperger's, my anxiety has increased my stress when it comes to romantic relationships. I can't have this any longer, that's why i wrote her a note, i remember precisely what i wrote i'll just translate from french to english (whoopee!!) 

: Dear (Name of Person)

I write this note today to express my joy over our friendship, i value it very much. I have been trying to write properly (not bad my writing?) (i wrote the note in pencil) 
I have to be honest, frankly i have been feeling some emotions that are rare in my case, I enjoy your smile and your laughter. It makes me feel so good inside, what else can i say?? I really value our friendship. 


Awwww.....wasn't that sweet??!!! (really...i don't see how that was sweet but i found to be a honest letter) i kinda of think i gave her a hint of my true feelings and my true intentions. (what are my true intentions??!!!) wellhelll... i kinda sended her an email telling that i wanted to be more that friends...well if possible....i mean you don't have to, kinda of thing. 

I feel like a pathethic A-Hole that is just focused on romance, i am crazy about this girl and i tried to keep it to myself...(maybe it didn't hurt to tell her After the exams!!) I wanted to hang out with her and take it slow. Or maybe will get there fast but then we'll take it slow'' no time for classic rock songs!!! I need to frickin have to come up with some genius plan to un-charme her for the time being: Maybe i can come to school in my underwear??!

Oh she'll like that!! Really, no ok, she won't.

I feel like i need succeeded in a way that i felt that i kept my secret for a while. (about two months.) i can't handle the pressure when i see her!!! Shit!! i can't!!! It's like i made the biggest mistake iin my life by writting a fr*cking letter (what??!!! you didn't expect me to say fuck??? whoops didn't cover that!!)

Well there goes another day with me and reality just behind the corner.


Tyler Mac

I can't help myself......i really can't.

I've never been lucky with relationships, never. maybe once, but that was a long time ago (maybe about four years) I was tormented by my own feelings that stood in the way of being friends and just staying as friends. I can't seem to aquire any girl-friends because those i start to become friends become my crushes. i need to keep at least six months of secrecy between love and confessions. I can't understand myself and my feelings, my feelings for a certain someone has been a confusing roller-coaster ride. Going up and down, and just sometimes i get so immature  that i always had faith that i never will love someone. (i can't seem to find the right person that can relate to me: being different, and being excluded, i don't see that journey with someone yet. but do i have to have that journey with someone??

Can't we all have our love written in some heaven for saken book that God himself had already planned out. I love someone and i can't have that feeling stand between our friendship. I can't....i just can't. I can't tell her name, i wish i could, (if she ever found about me writting my fellings about, and she could read a little English) I think she doesn't me the  way i see myself. I see myself as a : Defection, a human being unable to understand the cooperation of social beings that communicate through social gatherings and some random shit like that.....

I'm pretty sure she'll make someone happy, but not me, i don't see myself going up to her, sitting at the table in the middle of the lunch hall talking and getting to know her, it's not like i can't do it, it's just that i haven't had the guts to do it. Maybe someone can be a nice person and give me a confidence boost.

Drop me a line/quote/comment/comments of encouragement/offerings/sacrifices (your first daughters are ok with me) at : findtheequationordie@hotmail.com it sounds like a stupid email, but i just had no idea of what other email names i could find. I really need some fucking encouragement. I really need it.

Or we could have a bake sale?? a picnic??? I dunno what to do, i really could uses some help, i i kind of exagerrated on the whole gonna spend my paycheck on a girl that i have no chance with kinda thing.... I will not make a mistake for the 30th time, trust me, at my age, i'm pretty sure my readers are able to compare with me.

I get so upset because i have the lack of courage, i manage to take her out to pizza once....just once....i wasn't that momment of PRP (Pure Romantic Perfection) (i'm gonna have to make a list of those)

I have to define my choice of title that i used for this post, I just can' help myself of be tempted to go out there in the middle of the crowd saying : Marry..mme...i mean....will you go out with me.....ah......i .....i'm really nervous....... and thinking:( F*ck!! i suck !!! ) then later saying: You...you....you don't have to go out with me.....in my head: (yes you do) and continuing: I'm kind of a dooshbag when i speak to girls.. ( wait a minute??!!! she speaks french)

Let me rephrase everything just for the sick fun of it.

: Épouse.... mmoi..... je veut dire....voudrait to sortir avec moi.....euh...je.....je suis vraiment nerveux et je pense: ( Tarbarnac je suce!!! ) et après je dit: Tu....tu....tu n'a pas besoin de sortir avec moi...dans ma tête (Oui tu dois) et je continue : je suis un dooshbag quand je parle au femmes.


Ok let me be just a little more stupid and do it in spanish:

Tengo que definir mi elección del título que he usado para este puesto, yo sólo puedo ayudarme a mí mismo de la tentación de salir en medio de la multitud diciendo: Cásate con la señora .. ... .... i media se de salir conmigo ..... ah ..... ...... i estoy muy nervioso ....... y pensar: (F * ck! chupar i!) y más tarde diciendo: Tú ... tú .... que no tiene que salir conmigo ..... en mi cabeza: (sí usted hacer) y continua: Soy una especie de dooshbag Cuando hablo con las niñas ..


Anyways remember the comments you can leave me....i'm a little stressed out: so remember.

findtheequationordie@hotmail.com

Tyler Mac

I'm sorry, this is just too much to handle...i can't decide...what the F to do.

I can't seem to realize of how selfish o can be with money, i always have cash to burn just for myself, but then today, it all changed, i was planning to spend my paycheck on a CMFXLS (Custom-Made-FX-Lightsaber) from Saberforge.com. But then...i saw her......she was beautiful, her hair, what she wore, her smile, AHH GOD!! It was never more clear to me, i needed someone like her, (or maybe i NEEDED her) i'm not mentionning any names. I wanted to tell her everyday that i love her: but i ruin my life by saying it . '' I wanted to get her a small gift (50-100$ basically) a small token of our friendship. By giving her a gift, i would kill myself just to see her smile when i give her something that means alot to me, (and a hug would be nice once in a while....but like it would happen)

I was glad to see her today, i was shocked of how amazing she was with her hair, her elegant look, her beautiful smile that made me smile when i made he laugh (i wasn't being gross) i was making fun of myself, and basically she enjoyed it, I was so happy to make her laugh, i was happy to be with her, was that all i needed??? or did i need something to make me feel more happy with someone that i felt back then?? i wanted to give someone something meaningfull to me. She is meaningfull. I know it. I can't see me being with her, i can't...but i wish, one wish i would like is for me to be with someone like her (again....maybe herself. )


I can't decide.....what can i do??? i've made myself clear that i wanted to spend my paycheck on a CMFXLS (do i have to identifie each letter???)


I need support and a decision.


Thanks for reading


Tyler Mac