Recently, everything has been hectic enough for me NOT to write posts on this blog, and frankly I find that my readers have stopped reading this do to the lack of posting. I apologize for that. I've been going through alot of sh*t that seems to come to me like a wave of continous negative energy that just pushes me away from the computer. I've been isolating myself in the basement to forget everything, shooting Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty has not been the best stress reliever, but it has SOME effects (like continous nightmares of shooting clows for some reason........weird)
My heart has been broken, its the first real relationship that I'VE screwded up. I'd admit, I am not the only one that was the cause of this. I've been getting so much diss from both sides of the relationship. Inter-racial relationships are the hardest, becauses people have such a misunderstanding of culture, and discriminating comments about each other are always said behind each others doors. I loved her dearly, but I feel like my skin color had something to do with her family and her fears. And i feel like i'm no longer able to prepare myself for another disaster like the first one that i've done. There is nothing more important besides love. I've always been told this, and everybody should know this, : It is better to love and loss than have never loved at all. »
Frankly i dont know who said that, but it makes me feel a little better. And i've been deeply thinking for the past few weeks. It simply a matter of time before it catches me, my complete problems are towards my «special needs» and i require the right tools for me to build a strong foundation. I've lost someone because of my complete anxiety and my obsession of the first person that i've loved. I can no longer take the simple pain of heartbrake and put it to rest, i've been told that it usually takes 2-3 days to let go, but we all know that there is no estimations regarding broken hearts and WHEN we will get over it. I've been depressed for a while, she has forgiven me, and i've forgiven her, my heart wants her back, but i know i cannot be prepared for this alone. I've narrowed it down by my problems and made a small list of the complications that have come across a such relationship.
1. With me, it was the color of the skin, as much i liked her, and as much as her parents liked me, there will be always discriminating words coming from both sides. Inter-Racial love is the thoughest thing to live by.
2. Culture is one thing, RESPECT of each other's culture is another. I've tried to research the African culture that she was from and came up barely full of satisfying results.
3. I need to shut up, that is all i can say, i have to stop thinking of the future and the : What if's? »
4. Giving me another chance will make everything better?? Not quite, frankly i need to learn boundaries that where never given to me. Its like being a carpenter building a house: you need a full «complete» kit right?? And i feel like i'm that carpenter, yet i have less that a full kit. I feel terrible, i love her so much, my heart has been aching the momment i laid eyes on her, i hate the fact that friendship can be so complicated AFTER you've finished dating each other.
Things will not go smoothly for the next few weeks (or even months) says my gut feeling.
Let just hope that my prayer for patience better get here ASAP!! (I did ask for them to be expedited. HAHAHAHA!! A JOKE!! AT A TIME LIKE THIS???!!! )
*sigh* if only love wasn't THAT complex.
Signing off
T
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
New year......New semester......geez.....
And of course the new year begins with a 4 day break from school (typically, its not normal, for the past decade, there was a full exam semester, yet this year...there isn't. Lately there has been some type of buget problems with the school district and to me, it seems that the school is burning cash more than the stoners are burning hash per day (if you know what i mean....)
The fun and joy that i had this semester?? I'm still asking myself that even as today is the last day of THAT semester. However i look forward to the next semester, wait? what does that mean? I didn't like this semester??
AHHH!! The curiosity that i have is quite a gift that i was given (probably from my uncle, or my grand-father, i which case i cant quite narrow it down.....as of now)
Let's just hope that this semester will allow me to get a little excited about graduation (in just a few months!! AAHAHHAHHHAHHAHHHHA!!)
Signing off,
T
The fun and joy that i had this semester?? I'm still asking myself that even as today is the last day of THAT semester. However i look forward to the next semester, wait? what does that mean? I didn't like this semester??
AHHH!! The curiosity that i have is quite a gift that i was given (probably from my uncle, or my grand-father, i which case i cant quite narrow it down.....as of now)
Let's just hope that this semester will allow me to get a little excited about graduation (in just a few months!! AAHAHHAHHHAHHAHHHHA!!)
Signing off,
T
Monday, January 10, 2011
New Year.....
Its been quite a while that i've touched this blog and pressed so many keys to express myself. I don't have much time for the past months. School, Work, Girlfriend, everything seems to take me away from something like this that allows me to express myself.
Well.....its 2011 and things have got to change. My life has simply gone through transitions, like several phases (which is quite normal for a person of my age) and i cannot change anything, or do anything about it. School is getting harder, not just the workload, but the people are a constant annoyance. And lately, as this is my first day from the holidays, there has been alot of anxiety when i'm in a room full of people (example , the cafeteria) hundreds of people stare at me as i walk from my table to the trash to empty my plate. I've felt this many many times before. But now, It seems to disturbe me. I've taken medication for years now to deal with such things. Now i'm starting to ask myself if i'm starting to lose my head and is overthinking of what people may NOT think???!! I dunno.
Thing are going well in a majority of things. Not much to say today, but will keep posting whenever i have to.
T
Well.....its 2011 and things have got to change. My life has simply gone through transitions, like several phases (which is quite normal for a person of my age) and i cannot change anything, or do anything about it. School is getting harder, not just the workload, but the people are a constant annoyance. And lately, as this is my first day from the holidays, there has been alot of anxiety when i'm in a room full of people (example , the cafeteria) hundreds of people stare at me as i walk from my table to the trash to empty my plate. I've felt this many many times before. But now, It seems to disturbe me. I've taken medication for years now to deal with such things. Now i'm starting to ask myself if i'm starting to lose my head and is overthinking of what people may NOT think???!! I dunno.
Thing are going well in a majority of things. Not much to say today, but will keep posting whenever i have to.
T
Monday, October 25, 2010
We are Monday, what else can i say??
..........I don't know how to start this post, i have so much in my head right now. Things that are happening at a different rate for each thing. It's like music, they'res differents beats to each part of the sounds of the song. (in some cases)
I'm in love, i can see that everytime i'm with this person. I think Jehovah God truly wanted me to find someone to make me happy. In that time, before she came along, things where somewhat upsetting. It sucked, once again i mention my grand-father's death, several things going on at work, at school, girl troubles, and family. I needed someone to love me. I felt during those months of hardship, that i wanted someone to love me for who i am, someone who won't judge because of my struggles and my difficulties, having ADHD and Asperger Syndrome is like putting the wrong ingredients into a recipe for a cake, we know that a cake is supposed to be sweet, full of taste, but with me its very different (and unorthodox too!!)
I view my ADHD as if you put way too much sugar, you know Red Bull?? well its on my cake!! I won't simmer down. I get energetic, and i feel that huge crash whenever i pull an all-nighter after working until 3am (it was only during the summer)
And i view my asperger's as if i made the cake raw an uncooked. And also missing the icing, which is the best part. The cake to me represents my own identity, and when that cake is baked, it's complete, like I have my own identity, which i find most of the time, i don't. And the icing represents the normality that i don't feel like i have. When the cake is baked and they're's icing, that means to me that i'm ready. I understand social q's. I managed to be normally capable of having a full «normal» conversation. But right now, I'm the cake that's not cooked, I'm missing ingredients, what is that?? what am i missing??!! I know the feeling when something is wrong, but this time it's me, not someone elses fault.
Sometimes, there a part of the day, where i'm alone, and my friends are doing some sh** that i won't do, because i don't like it. And i walk alone, my «special friend» is with someone that has hurted my heart, so i can't really stay around with her. And then there is only this computer that i'm writing this post, at the libary. It's been a lonely year. time for me to wake up and smell the fresh air. I'm seeing someone, i haven't done that in a long time. And she's actually someone of my own religion that i love so much!! Her parents adore me, her eyes makes my heart melt, and so one and so forth (i'm just not going into anymore details) ITS DONE!!!) Well.......for now. Anyways, so the point is, is that this blog helped me for 4 years to relieve my stress (or is it 3 years???!!!....hmmmmm...) And i thank those who managed to read this almost everyday seeing that i posted something different, I managed to meet someone at my grand-father's wake, it was a mother and a father, their child had the same problems as me, i'm glad that she reads this. I hope that saying my opinion can show clearly what I think, It doesn't mean that its not true or that its wrong. Its just my opnion and this allows me to release some anxiety to the everyday problems that i faced. *sigh* theres just so much to do , my last year of high school is starting to take the toll on me.
Lets just hope that i just don't pull the plug already, because i have so much to face, yet i'm already getting the feeling that i should just surrender and runaway with my life
And that's how it ends.
for now......
Tyler
I'm in love, i can see that everytime i'm with this person. I think Jehovah God truly wanted me to find someone to make me happy. In that time, before she came along, things where somewhat upsetting. It sucked, once again i mention my grand-father's death, several things going on at work, at school, girl troubles, and family. I needed someone to love me. I felt during those months of hardship, that i wanted someone to love me for who i am, someone who won't judge because of my struggles and my difficulties, having ADHD and Asperger Syndrome is like putting the wrong ingredients into a recipe for a cake, we know that a cake is supposed to be sweet, full of taste, but with me its very different (and unorthodox too!!)
I view my ADHD as if you put way too much sugar, you know Red Bull?? well its on my cake!! I won't simmer down. I get energetic, and i feel that huge crash whenever i pull an all-nighter after working until 3am (it was only during the summer)
And i view my asperger's as if i made the cake raw an uncooked. And also missing the icing, which is the best part. The cake to me represents my own identity, and when that cake is baked, it's complete, like I have my own identity, which i find most of the time, i don't. And the icing represents the normality that i don't feel like i have. When the cake is baked and they're's icing, that means to me that i'm ready. I understand social q's. I managed to be normally capable of having a full «normal» conversation. But right now, I'm the cake that's not cooked, I'm missing ingredients, what is that?? what am i missing??!! I know the feeling when something is wrong, but this time it's me, not someone elses fault.
Sometimes, there a part of the day, where i'm alone, and my friends are doing some sh** that i won't do, because i don't like it. And i walk alone, my «special friend» is with someone that has hurted my heart, so i can't really stay around with her. And then there is only this computer that i'm writing this post, at the libary. It's been a lonely year. time for me to wake up and smell the fresh air. I'm seeing someone, i haven't done that in a long time. And she's actually someone of my own religion that i love so much!! Her parents adore me, her eyes makes my heart melt, and so one and so forth (i'm just not going into anymore details) ITS DONE!!!) Well.......for now. Anyways, so the point is, is that this blog helped me for 4 years to relieve my stress (or is it 3 years???!!!....hmmmmm...) And i thank those who managed to read this almost everyday seeing that i posted something different, I managed to meet someone at my grand-father's wake, it was a mother and a father, their child had the same problems as me, i'm glad that she reads this. I hope that saying my opinion can show clearly what I think, It doesn't mean that its not true or that its wrong. Its just my opnion and this allows me to release some anxiety to the everyday problems that i faced. *sigh* theres just so much to do , my last year of high school is starting to take the toll on me.
Lets just hope that i just don't pull the plug already, because i have so much to face, yet i'm already getting the feeling that i should just surrender and runaway with my life
And that's how it ends.
for now......
Tyler
Thursday, October 21, 2010
My sister, so much to say
My sister is my friend, ever since she was born I always knew she was going to be precious towards me and our families life. Even as we got older until this very day, I definitely need help, i've pissed my sister off so many times. There's been so much conflict between me: always being a sarcastic brat!! and her: doing her exaggerations and her drama's and her bad-ass attitude.
and personnally, I'm in no mood to rant about her anymore. I just want to get along, I love my sister, If she was dying, i would give my own heart to save her, I feel like she derserves more than the regular sarcastic sh** i give her. I love it when we get along. I always seemed to make her laugh at night, ( of course she was over tired) And she makes me laugh as well. She doesn't thinks so, but she does. At night, I laugh out loud sometimes because of her.
Sometimes, we always had those soft momments. She'd ask me for advice, when she was down i cheered her up, (of course i'd had to humiliate myself of course) I hate when i'm a smart ass with her, she's my friend and my sister, It hurts me everytime she looks at me when she's angry, I hate that so much!! !
And knowing that i'm the cause of her not talking to me, i feel like my face just got grabbed and was thrown into horse sh**!! Because its stinks to lose her because of me.
And the last few weeks have been nothing but back and forth yappity yap yap!! And i'm tired of it. I mean, when i get married and MAYBE have children, i want them to get along with there aunt Cassandra, i'd rather have my children get along with her than f**king everything up with her because i can't have a «normal» conversation with her. I was actually thinking several times, my possible children saying - Dad? Why don't you talk to your sister??» I would not know what to say to that. - Son, Your dad never got along with your sister.»
That makes my heart grumble, minus that i'm hungry, but theres room for guilt right??
I hate having my sister not be able to understand the different way of thinking, and i especially hate when I just hurt the hell out of her, she said to me: - Sarcasm hurts.......» she said in tears. I just want everything to get better, things won't go away easily, I have to learn, she has to learn, we both have to learn. I want to get along, way before i get married, have kids (again, repetition of what i said earlier on this post) and have that relationship with my sister as a BFF, my sister means everything, and her saying to me she'll never forgive me ever again, makes my heart feels like she just took a nailgun and just kept on shooting at me, piercing me with all the flesh tearing away, and we all know that after flesh, there is the bones, the muscles, etc. Eventually it will lead to my heart, and she'll rip it to shreds.
My sister Cassandra, means everything to me, and I hate being the smart mouth hurting her, I admit, i've hit more than three strikes, i'm already out, i'm done, but she has to know that i'm sorry. Whatever happens, she may or may not have made the right descision, she knows what she's doing......and frankly......she was right, i don't know what i'm doing
*sigh* whatever
Tyler
and personnally, I'm in no mood to rant about her anymore. I just want to get along, I love my sister, If she was dying, i would give my own heart to save her, I feel like she derserves more than the regular sarcastic sh** i give her. I love it when we get along. I always seemed to make her laugh at night, ( of course she was over tired) And she makes me laugh as well. She doesn't thinks so, but she does. At night, I laugh out loud sometimes because of her.
Sometimes, we always had those soft momments. She'd ask me for advice, when she was down i cheered her up, (of course i'd had to humiliate myself of course) I hate when i'm a smart ass with her, she's my friend and my sister, It hurts me everytime she looks at me when she's angry, I hate that so much!! !
And knowing that i'm the cause of her not talking to me, i feel like my face just got grabbed and was thrown into horse sh**!! Because its stinks to lose her because of me.
And the last few weeks have been nothing but back and forth yappity yap yap!! And i'm tired of it. I mean, when i get married and MAYBE have children, i want them to get along with there aunt Cassandra, i'd rather have my children get along with her than f**king everything up with her because i can't have a «normal» conversation with her. I was actually thinking several times, my possible children saying - Dad? Why don't you talk to your sister??» I would not know what to say to that. - Son, Your dad never got along with your sister.»
That makes my heart grumble, minus that i'm hungry, but theres room for guilt right??
I hate having my sister not be able to understand the different way of thinking, and i especially hate when I just hurt the hell out of her, she said to me: - Sarcasm hurts.......» she said in tears. I just want everything to get better, things won't go away easily, I have to learn, she has to learn, we both have to learn. I want to get along, way before i get married, have kids (again, repetition of what i said earlier on this post) and have that relationship with my sister as a BFF, my sister means everything, and her saying to me she'll never forgive me ever again, makes my heart feels like she just took a nailgun and just kept on shooting at me, piercing me with all the flesh tearing away, and we all know that after flesh, there is the bones, the muscles, etc. Eventually it will lead to my heart, and she'll rip it to shreds.
My sister Cassandra, means everything to me, and I hate being the smart mouth hurting her, I admit, i've hit more than three strikes, i'm already out, i'm done, but she has to know that i'm sorry. Whatever happens, she may or may not have made the right descision, she knows what she's doing......and frankly......she was right, i don't know what i'm doing
*sigh* whatever
Tyler
Monday, October 18, 2010
Someone needs help, and that someone is ME!!!
Meeting different people during my time at school as frankly become another game of twister. Some people are great and fun to be with, while others are just complete little f*cking bitches!! (forgive the language, its nessecary for me to make a point)
I remember posting a year ago of meeting a girl one time, that seemed to be one of a kind, frankly this person really show her true colors. Of course she came from another part of the planet, she viewed things differently, it all became clear of what she viewed me. A apparently stupid teenager that did not understand me at all. She was impossible to work with. To communicate normally was even harder, since i got really uncomfortable, i always layed a pointless joke to try and ease the pain. It sucked to finally realize that this person was quite the nagging and cranky person she was. And thinking that there was a connection back then was a huge mistake.
For after that whole year, the summer was the hardest, i kep thinking of the pain she gave me and i had to absorb it all in, it was like i did not have the time to weep. The tears never flowed beyong my eyesight, it was just complete sh*t!! Facebook became another drama, writing down my emotions seemed hard enough as it is, and reading her profile and seeing her face made me angry. It was uncontrolllable anger. Of course, i keep my anger in secret since there is so many important things to do. And during that time, my grandfather died and i was not myself. I was easily hurted and angered at school. I didn't care for school at all. Listening to myself seemed only to make things worst. So just shutting up and go to school and work is all i could really do.
*sigh* Now this person has become an annoyance in my life. She doesn't make sense, she's friends with one of my «close» friends, and with her in the picture, it seems that nothing can happen since she's there. The only time i have with my «special» friend is at the congregation and helping her with her English homework, then we used to go to the libary and talk, but my «speical» friend is being dragged away from me from that person. That person is angry with me because she realized that she was wrong and treated me like shit!! And that makes me proud, not because i pissed her off, i made her realize what she did wrong. And she's not speaking and ignoring me, like any other little brat would.
She acts so innocent and pretends like nothing happened. But when i talk with my «special» friend, she's so pissed that i have someone better than her. With all of this joy happening, why do i feel like shit??!!
Luckily, i have no answer at the momment, but i have only an ideal concept, i don't like arguing with friends, and frankly, that person was sorta my friend. She would text me telling about her boyfriend back in her country, i would encourage her, even though she hurted me, i always thought there would be hope for change.
I was wrong, she was just a b*tch, and i can't do anything about it. She's a child, and she doesn't know what she got herself into. She always called me stupid, because i joked and laughed with one of her guy friends (whom is my friend as well. ) She tried to fit in, yet she doesn' succeed because she doesn't understand what WE are saying and since she doesn't, she just calls me stupid.
WHAT A BUNCH OF SH*T!!!!!
That's when things in my life get so hard that i say: F*CK IT!! IM DONE!!! THANKS FOR PLAYING!!! I GIVE UP!!!»
Whatever happens, lets just hope its for the good of things.
Tyler
I remember posting a year ago of meeting a girl one time, that seemed to be one of a kind, frankly this person really show her true colors. Of course she came from another part of the planet, she viewed things differently, it all became clear of what she viewed me. A apparently stupid teenager that did not understand me at all. She was impossible to work with. To communicate normally was even harder, since i got really uncomfortable, i always layed a pointless joke to try and ease the pain. It sucked to finally realize that this person was quite the nagging and cranky person she was. And thinking that there was a connection back then was a huge mistake.
For after that whole year, the summer was the hardest, i kep thinking of the pain she gave me and i had to absorb it all in, it was like i did not have the time to weep. The tears never flowed beyong my eyesight, it was just complete sh*t!! Facebook became another drama, writing down my emotions seemed hard enough as it is, and reading her profile and seeing her face made me angry. It was uncontrolllable anger. Of course, i keep my anger in secret since there is so many important things to do. And during that time, my grandfather died and i was not myself. I was easily hurted and angered at school. I didn't care for school at all. Listening to myself seemed only to make things worst. So just shutting up and go to school and work is all i could really do.
*sigh* Now this person has become an annoyance in my life. She doesn't make sense, she's friends with one of my «close» friends, and with her in the picture, it seems that nothing can happen since she's there. The only time i have with my «special» friend is at the congregation and helping her with her English homework, then we used to go to the libary and talk, but my «speical» friend is being dragged away from me from that person. That person is angry with me because she realized that she was wrong and treated me like shit!! And that makes me proud, not because i pissed her off, i made her realize what she did wrong. And she's not speaking and ignoring me, like any other little brat would.
She acts so innocent and pretends like nothing happened. But when i talk with my «special» friend, she's so pissed that i have someone better than her. With all of this joy happening, why do i feel like shit??!!
Luckily, i have no answer at the momment, but i have only an ideal concept, i don't like arguing with friends, and frankly, that person was sorta my friend. She would text me telling about her boyfriend back in her country, i would encourage her, even though she hurted me, i always thought there would be hope for change.
I was wrong, she was just a b*tch, and i can't do anything about it. She's a child, and she doesn't know what she got herself into. She always called me stupid, because i joked and laughed with one of her guy friends (whom is my friend as well. ) She tried to fit in, yet she doesn' succeed because she doesn't understand what WE are saying and since she doesn't, she just calls me stupid.
WHAT A BUNCH OF SH*T!!!!!
That's when things in my life get so hard that i say: F*CK IT!! IM DONE!!! THANKS FOR PLAYING!!! I GIVE UP!!!»
Whatever happens, lets just hope its for the good of things.
Tyler
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Nothing seems right, no more logic
Alright, so many days have been passing by, craps been happening at home (minor) and at work (MAJOR).
Alot of bullshit has been cramping around school, nevertheless i really dont care, mostly my sarcasm has left its intactity, (in other words: its not intact) frankly i dont know why things have been so hectic lately, its like the event themselve look at my agenda and just go : lets just piss off that little f**ker!!» and smiling and then head to work by creating my life into a living hell.
But things this week are starting ok, i've returned to my congregation, seeing my old friends there, (no one my age thats why i said my OLD friends) Being back as a Jehovah Wittnesses has made things better, seeing the great influences rather than be overlooked by some rejects at work that dont have any morals and loves they're own egos. Its been great, however, things are getting weirder,
sadly, my heart bleeds for another, it doesnt make anysense, but of course wheni write my sentimental poetry, it makes everything better. for those years of being a Jehovah Wittnesses, theyre was no one my age to socialise with all things spiritual and even to hang out, but the beginning of the school year is the best thing happening right now, things are changing as i write this down. I've met another wittness at our school, since the absence of the last graduates of my school (whom 5 years ago there was only 1 wittness there at the school) finally i've met another with glad sincerity. Its a female, quite the personnality that i like, she's fantastic, amazing, funny, smart, and quite the joker (ok, funny was already there but still..)
Things are going ok, lets hope things stay that way..
Tyler Macfarlane
Alot of bullshit has been cramping around school, nevertheless i really dont care, mostly my sarcasm has left its intactity, (in other words: its not intact) frankly i dont know why things have been so hectic lately, its like the event themselve look at my agenda and just go : lets just piss off that little f**ker!!» and smiling and then head to work by creating my life into a living hell.
But things this week are starting ok, i've returned to my congregation, seeing my old friends there, (no one my age thats why i said my OLD friends) Being back as a Jehovah Wittnesses has made things better, seeing the great influences rather than be overlooked by some rejects at work that dont have any morals and loves they're own egos. Its been great, however, things are getting weirder,
sadly, my heart bleeds for another, it doesnt make anysense, but of course wheni write my sentimental poetry, it makes everything better. for those years of being a Jehovah Wittnesses, theyre was no one my age to socialise with all things spiritual and even to hang out, but the beginning of the school year is the best thing happening right now, things are changing as i write this down. I've met another wittness at our school, since the absence of the last graduates of my school (whom 5 years ago there was only 1 wittness there at the school) finally i've met another with glad sincerity. Its a female, quite the personnality that i like, she's fantastic, amazing, funny, smart, and quite the joker (ok, funny was already there but still..)
Things are going ok, lets hope things stay that way..
Tyler Macfarlane
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