Patience is something that i can`t get through a check

Living with asperger's everyday has been a challenge, espcially when you don't think like everyone does, i have different reasons why i love people, people might object, some people might think it's sweet. yet i don't know why i got that feeling that somebody else is waking up with me, i eventually realize that it was my ego either deflating before i even begin my day.

Patience is something that i have to earn, i basically have no patience anymore, i get tired of being promised something and have to wait t'il tomorrow and then there was some delay and then we have to wait t'il next week, (i won't give any examples because some people might be offended) i am a person that likes people to keep their promises, my parent's are not people that keep their promises, 47.776% of the time we change the whole promise into a little modification, like say, they promised us to go the trails, they promise and we shake hands on it, then they change the promise to their own appeal because they realise that it's just not what they want.

It's happened before in my household........many times, deal are broken, promises are not kept, even blackmailling was a big deal about several years ago. I don't think i can fully trust my parents, if i did, my little conscious would be nagging me telling; - Don' do this to yourself....»

And it goes the same way at school, i never lend any money to people, if they want a chocolate milk, i will buy them one, instead of giving the money to them TO buy the milk, that's how i work. Things that just piss me off, people and their lack of faith into one another.

I just wish my family would be like : - Yes i trust you that you won't crash the car while backing up into the garage EVEN THOUGH yo don't have a drivers license . » (done it once, it went great.) Sometimes, i'd rather be loaded up into work than be at home, it's sad....sometimes, i don't want people to feel THAT bad (LOL!!) I love working, it keeps me busy, and it makes me understand more and more everyday in the work force.

I'm glad i'm returning to work tomorrow, 4-9pm seems like a good shift, gets me away from misery and sometimes i don't want to go to work because i miss the freedom, and then there's the money, where i have to save at least 700$ in my new savings account (which i haven't gotten around yet) and then i have to return my saber that is a defect, i emailed Saberforge, he's not answering, probably on vacation. Then there Ultrasabers, i have to write a money order, i have a shit load of work to do, and that's where i lose my patience because i want to get it done in one night, (the saberforge thing and getting the ultrasabers)

When i get impatient, i get nervous, anxious and getting a little annoying, my parents know that, some of my other family members know that, i can't make anymore mistakes and i can't seemt to speak up for myself because i get to scared of the consequence of one's opinion. And if they say that People with Asperger's are highly intelligent, they why people aren't listening to my ideas to solve things, i you think of it for a minute maybe my ideas one day would create new ones that will change someone or something. The only thing i want is people to listen to what i have to say, sit down have some coffee, i'll get a cookie...we can chat, talk about the weather, then talk about each other, what desires we want when we grow up,  our challenges. Our pros and our cons. 

Take me for example i have some pros and cons that i have to share for people to understand.


Pros:

- I'm nice and friendly
- I respect people for who they are (mentally challenged, ADD, ADHD, Tourette's, Dyslexia, etc. )
- I can make people laugh (sometimes it doesn't work, i tend to over do it)

- I am good with Lego, (i love being creative)
- I can be imaginative, write short stories ( i love creepy horror stories)
- I am a capable person of helping others
- I love my home, and my family (sister included)

Here comes the cons, it makes me a little upset:

Cons:

- I impatient when there's to much to do
- I can be a jerk if people treat me like shit at school (I tend to have this hatred that makes me feel like i have no remorse over those who've hurted me.)

- I can be annoying (i ask ALOT of questions if i don't understand or if i'm getting over-anxious about something, i double-check even with things that i already know because i HAVE to make sure that i don't make mistakes.)

- I try to be independant, but i feel drained when i'm being yelled at by my parents (that doesn't allow me to speak up, because i feel like i'm on a table; tied down and a laser coming up to my crotch and unable to save myself because i'm too weak.)

- I tend to be sarcastic.............ALOT (In my life i took everything seriously when i first arrived at school in Fredericton, there's was many people that took advantage of me, since i was new, they made me believe things that are completely not rtrue, and that's half the story, since i gained that «Knowledge» I was surely humiliated, they mocked me for the things i did as a child (being depressed, and chewing my nails and have that look on my face like if i was in a creepy scary abandoned mansion,)

- I can be a real jerk and get to people's weak spots, (that is something i'm not proud of, i try to contain myself, lately i've been in no firery conversations or fights. I say it now that i can control and just walk away, but then when it happens, it gets more and more stranger how i just shoot my mouth. )

(End of the Pros and Cons list)

Anyways, the basis of this post is that i have to write this down, because i can't take the stress at home and just go and write it down where the stress is.

Today, i feel cheated, betrayed and lied too. Lately my family has been stressed, my grand-father and my grand-mother are both in the hospital, we left last week to visit both of them, it was sad, my grand-father is okay but not stable, the status of my grand-mother is currently unknown to me,

and lately, my family has been stressed because of that, i feel that i'm responsible for it, I was very upset like them. But i feel like it's all my fault.


I don't seem to well today......


Emotionally and Mentally


Tyler Mac