I can't help myself......i really can't.

I've never been lucky with relationships, never. maybe once, but that was a long time ago (maybe about four years) I was tormented by my own feelings that stood in the way of being friends and just staying as friends. I can't seem to aquire any girl-friends because those i start to become friends become my crushes. i need to keep at least six months of secrecy between love and confessions. I can't understand myself and my feelings, my feelings for a certain someone has been a confusing roller-coaster ride. Going up and down, and just sometimes i get so immature  that i always had faith that i never will love someone. (i can't seem to find the right person that can relate to me: being different, and being excluded, i don't see that journey with someone yet. but do i have to have that journey with someone??

Can't we all have our love written in some heaven for saken book that God himself had already planned out. I love someone and i can't have that feeling stand between our friendship. I can't....i just can't. I can't tell her name, i wish i could, (if she ever found about me writting my fellings about, and she could read a little English) I think she doesn't me the  way i see myself. I see myself as a : Defection, a human being unable to understand the cooperation of social beings that communicate through social gatherings and some random shit like that.....

I'm pretty sure she'll make someone happy, but not me, i don't see myself going up to her, sitting at the table in the middle of the lunch hall talking and getting to know her, it's not like i can't do it, it's just that i haven't had the guts to do it. Maybe someone can be a nice person and give me a confidence boost.

Drop me a line/quote/comment/comments of encouragement/offerings/sacrifices (your first daughters are ok with me) at : findtheequationordie@hotmail.com it sounds like a stupid email, but i just had no idea of what other email names i could find. I really need some fucking encouragement. I really need it.

Or we could have a bake sale?? a picnic??? I dunno what to do, i really could uses some help, i i kind of exagerrated on the whole gonna spend my paycheck on a girl that i have no chance with kinda thing.... I will not make a mistake for the 30th time, trust me, at my age, i'm pretty sure my readers are able to compare with me.

I get so upset because i have the lack of courage, i manage to take her out to pizza once....just once....i wasn't that momment of PRP (Pure Romantic Perfection) (i'm gonna have to make a list of those)

I have to define my choice of title that i used for this post, I just can' help myself of be tempted to go out there in the middle of the crowd saying : Marry..mme...i mean....will you go out with me.....ah......i .....i'm really nervous....... and thinking:( F*ck!! i suck !!! ) then later saying: You...you....you don't have to go out with me.....in my head: (yes you do) and continuing: I'm kind of a dooshbag when i speak to girls.. ( wait a minute??!!! she speaks french)

Let me rephrase everything just for the sick fun of it.

: Épouse.... mmoi..... je veut dire....voudrait to sortir avec moi.....euh...je.....je suis vraiment nerveux et je pense: ( Tarbarnac je suce!!! ) et après je dit: Tu....tu....tu n'a pas besoin de sortir avec moi...dans ma tête (Oui tu dois) et je continue : je suis un dooshbag quand je parle au femmes.


Ok let me be just a little more stupid and do it in spanish:

Tengo que definir mi elección del título que he usado para este puesto, yo sólo puedo ayudarme a mí mismo de la tentación de salir en medio de la multitud diciendo: Cásate con la señora .. ... .... i media se de salir conmigo ..... ah ..... ...... i estoy muy nervioso ....... y pensar: (F * ck! chupar i!) y más tarde diciendo: Tú ... tú .... que no tiene que salir conmigo ..... en mi cabeza: (sí usted hacer) y continua: Soy una especie de dooshbag Cuando hablo con las niñas ..


Anyways remember the comments you can leave me....i'm a little stressed out: so remember.

findtheequationordie@hotmail.com

Tyler Mac

I'm sorry, this is just too much to handle...i can't decide...what the F to do.

I can't seem to realize of how selfish o can be with money, i always have cash to burn just for myself, but then today, it all changed, i was planning to spend my paycheck on a CMFXLS (Custom-Made-FX-Lightsaber) from Saberforge.com. But then...i saw her......she was beautiful, her hair, what she wore, her smile, AHH GOD!! It was never more clear to me, i needed someone like her, (or maybe i NEEDED her) i'm not mentionning any names. I wanted to tell her everyday that i love her: but i ruin my life by saying it . '' I wanted to get her a small gift (50-100$ basically) a small token of our friendship. By giving her a gift, i would kill myself just to see her smile when i give her something that means alot to me, (and a hug would be nice once in a while....but like it would happen)

I was glad to see her today, i was shocked of how amazing she was with her hair, her elegant look, her beautiful smile that made me smile when i made he laugh (i wasn't being gross) i was making fun of myself, and basically she enjoyed it, I was so happy to make her laugh, i was happy to be with her, was that all i needed??? or did i need something to make me feel more happy with someone that i felt back then?? i wanted to give someone something meaningfull to me. She is meaningfull. I know it. I can't see me being with her, i can't...but i wish, one wish i would like is for me to be with someone like her (again....maybe herself. )


I can't decide.....what can i do??? i've made myself clear that i wanted to spend my paycheck on a CMFXLS (do i have to identifie each letter???)


I need support and a decision.


Thanks for reading


Tyler Mac

This is getting a little intense

Today is the day, where i will press my feet on to the floor,  i will walk to the restaurant, get on my uniform, and start learning to make sandwiches, i will be an experience i won't forget, but as i right this i am completely nervous and can't seem to find any aspect that will bring any positive reflections about the first day of work.

I am so close to freaking out, freaking out as:i'm gonna shit myself as i make some guy's sandwich, but then, there is hope of me making it right, i think that after all the nerves get over your body, you can consume it and take it as an advantage.

What else can i do about it?? i might be making good money, i can buy my own lightsaber from saberforge.com (really good site....trust me,) or i can buy two (and if you buy two they can make it a double lightsabe...ANYWAYS!!) i can buy a special someone a special-someone gift. (It's not my mother.....ooops!!) it didn't mean it like that, (ok maybe i did just a little) but i pledge to save half of my paycheck (or more....rarely) and the rest i buy myself something nice (or my parents and even......MY SISTER (shocker) but still) The point was that making it to my first job was all up to me, and i'm proud of that,


Here we go to a new adventure.

Sweet Mother of Pearl!!!

Tyler Mac

White Cheddar, Cheddar or Moneray Jack???!!! OH shit!!!

I cannot believe it....i'm a working man, certainly there is joy and happiness that is involved, but i can't seem to make any sense to what i'm gonna do when i step in the restaurant and make some food. I get so worried about things, then i become a fortune teller. I can't control my anxiety when it comes to new experiences but i'm sure i'll overcome the fear of seeing a photo of me and my ugly face with a hat and aprin and saying everytime : I'll be with you in a momment, or , Hey boss...how do you do this again (x 234 times) and many other fancy lines that you basically use when you work at a food joint.

I didn't expect any of this to happen, honestly, i never thought i'd be working at a Subway. It was weird. As of this coming friday i will be making every man, women, children, and sometimes animals (if they peep they're heads and beg for ham then...yes) sandwiches. I'm in trouble....seriously, to me a job is like a vase, it a fragile thing. If i do something wrong, then BADABING!! you're outta here!! (and then theres BOOOMMM!!! for the vase itself)

I thank my parents and other family members for supporting me, i think my first job will be a good one, (and hopefully i can be good at making sandwiches. )

Thank You

Tyler

BUSTED!

Just an hour ago, someone got busted....the guy was some common known drug user, all i saw was some cop dragging some guy that got busted, i saw him climbing up the stairs in cuffs.

OH YESS!!!!! It's been since grade seven ince i saw a bust right in front of me, last time was in the school bus. Let me describe the story that took place. It was the year....what?? 2005 ?? it was a sunny afternoon, school was over for the day, and we expected nothing else to happen on the bus besides: swearing from the olders kids, and them talking about stupid stuff that really us children (at the time) shouldn't be listening. but yet they don't care.

I was sitting with a friend when this happened, the bus passes on by the highway and ends up entering into its regular route by turning to the entrance to one of the neighborhoods, but we suddenly started to slow down and we turned to the fire station near one of the residential areas (AKA Neighborhood) And the bus makes a three-sixty and aims the bus to the road again, but we parked at the station, no one had any idead why we had to stop, i didn't...honest...but then the bus driver comes to the back and talks to two teens, and asks them if they had any drugs or achohol of any kind, yet they deny, the driver says he saw a can of something through his window.. but they again, deny anything claim that was made by the bus driver. Finally the bus driver decides to take no chances and calls the authorities. In about 98.6 seconds after he made the call, one of them tries to leave the bus, the bus driver tells him to stay at his seat but he just walks out and head to the residential area.

The thoughts in my head after was: - One down, one more to go. » Then a nice shining car with beautiful decor (actually it was just stickers) and lovely blue and red top lights (my sarcasm in that statement should have been funny)
Anyways, a nice beatiful cop (a girl- mid thirties) and my friend that i sat beside said to me: - Oh my god!! i know that cop! she's like my friend. » And she decides to talk and wave at her, so they spent about one minute and one second talking...IN WHICH DURING THAT TIME!! the suspect could have escaped from the back, nice going!!! the suspect got away because of the lack of focus from the cop....the end!!!!


NO just kidding, as if!!! No really the cop actually took about one minute (see that!! saved a second from my exagerration!!! wacha think of that now?!!!) and she directed herself to the back of the bus (by just walking forward, it wasn't really hard...well unless you count the big backpacks that can trip you like some frickin jerk that just decides to trip you)
And she talks to the suspect (not gonna name his name) and she asked him what was going to the teens. And i swear every single little kid (uncluding me) just turned our heads straight to the back just like: SWOOOOSH!! and you can see from the back, twenty pairs of eyes just looking and giving the: What the frickin heck his going on??? kinda look.
And she asks the suspect to come out to the front of her cruiser (not a sea vessel nor a starship starting with the initials U.S.S) and she searches his bag (spoiler time!!!!) she grabs a huge thick bottle of beer, it was huge... Like FIREWOOD THICK LOG HUGE !!!! she cuffs him up and takes to the magical land of prison.

Tadaa!!!

Kids of today....my god,

For frigs sakes, i cannot believe the stories i hear of todays children.....i was completely shocked of what had kids today had developped. For example: Kids have sex at a younger age. And they have begun to be exposed to drugs and sex so early, basically its either the influence of parents and television, I go to school where there is a big population of little kids, and its quite the shocker when you see them and what they wear,

I know some of them, I used to socialize with them, the language and influence of the older beings, i and the girls just dress like they are 26 years old and reveal the boobs, (well the cleavage) and basically they see the stars, the influence of people on TV and just they have changed since the lame years of the 1980's. Like children back then apparently where less stupid and they had a little common sense when it came to danger of drugs, sex, violence, and most of all: under age drinking''   I know it's a little exagerrated but i have spoken to everyonw and it's just seems to be a natural thing at school, i don't understand why the hell they do that, understanding that the law states that you have to be older than 19 years old (i recommend it) But these kids are just drugged with the way of real adults, i can't believe it....i was just unable to understand why they do it.

Is there a point??

I don't know anymore.


Oh well.

It's 2010 and i need to change my life.... i know it's mostly a custom for people who pledge to do something different in there life.....usually like: I pledge to eat less fast food''

Well i have quite the pledging to do. I have many things i have to do that can change my life, let me give you some examples (just a few) :

 I pledge for the year 2010 to:

- Get a job

- Get a girlfriend (less possibilities...but i'm not complaining)

- Make sure i keep my sarcastic mouth shut (damm!!!)

- Ensure that i pass my exams (It's the bomb...exams are the bomb....i repeat..the bomb)

- Buy an FX Saber (ok, ok not really a pledge...but mostly it's a statement)

- To ensure the safety and security of my sister (it's dangerous out there, once she's out of the fence...it's all over)

- Keep an eye out for bargains at the mall that may or may not involve clothes (it's a comittment)

- And...did i mention get a job???


Yeah basically that some of the pledges that comes into my mind (especially the buying an FX saber) and other that are more important (Buy an FX....get a job)

And i hope i can get the chance to find a job that i wont stress out....(especially in these economic days) I AM NOT working at McDonalds or any fast food joint that promotes bad eating (especially the joint that offer toys with too much led) I was thinking like a sports store, a gaming store, a clothing store??? I'm not sure, anyways i have these ideas and it comes along.

OH well.