Drunk........*sigh*

Its been a long day last weekend, here in Fredericton theres been a Festival in which case i DETESTE as of Saturday. The Havest Jazz and Blues Festival had been a regular occuring event here in Fredericton. Of course, theres alot of people attending the Festival, people laugh, cry, laugh again.....then they drink alcohol. On the 17th of September, i was working At Subway from 6pm to 3am (in other words, i was closing that day)

It was around midnight- 1am (i really forget the time) We where cleaning up the restaurant and occassionally serving some customers, and then cleaning again.

I was assigned on Drive-thru (my favorite thing of to do at work), i served a few cars then and there. Suddenly, this blue car pulls from the Canadian Tire gas station (which is on the far right from the store, quite the walk) and these FOUR drunk people (1 male 3 females) ALL intoxicated. I've never had to be this much patient with these customers in my life at Subway. They where cooperative, yet i felt very uncomfortable, later on i found out i could of had them removed from the store by the cops, (since our policy states that if an employee feels uncomfortable while serving an intoxicated customer, i can call the cops) yet i would have called the cops, but the manager later told me the whole policy thing AFTER they left probably DUI'ing without care.

The reason i hate the Harvest Jazz and Blues Festival, was because OUR Subway, somehow gets several intoxicated customers and it really bothers me. What i really dont understand is that the Festival is ALL the way down the hill and OUR Subway is ALL the way UP the hill. Which prompts me to say that there is a Subway near the Festival, but yet they decide to fricking go up the hill and then just f**k us up and stall the customers and make themselves look bad.

*sigh* And i hate being in charge, our store has hired more people, and some people from other stores transfer to our store. And Saturday (the 18 th of September) was basically the same thing. Except i was in charge, I thought it would be great to lead the newbies and teach them how to do things. Except that handling angry customer would have to fall to MY responsibilities. And on that Saturday, that was the worst day i've had to work during the school year. Two hours of non-stop customers, especially when theres a group of teen-french-quebecers that just tried to stall the line and made us really shaky and almost made me snap!!!

Right now, i have a full school week to get my mind of work and hopefully i have a better closing next friday (although i have airsoft on Sunday....YAY!!)


Whatever happens, its gonna be more that a footlong of trouble LOL!!

Tyler Macfarlane

Oops, what happened??

Finally, theres been so much going on that taking time to write down on my blog has been a near impossibility,

Lets see....whats been going on??  Work, School started, its been cool but theres been alot of Drama and emotional stress beyond belief,

Everything seems to fall apart during the Month of May, June and them started to cool down around July and then August started to make progress,

The only problems i can really share with people right now is just my own struggling with emotions, my grandfathers death was a kick in the canal, (anal canal, just to let you know) Frankly, I dont care about other peoples opinion as of now, it just makes so difference into what youre going to do,  I mean, heading to Montreal twice in two weeks was a middle finger to the circle of life, at the same time, it started to f**k up the family, we where very stressed during that time.

and now its my last year in high school (according to time itself.) the thing i love right now is Online classes, im doing technologie of design. whatever makes me happy at school is the people that listen to me (by just listening, thereby no needing to reply to my statements) and then the joy i get to make people laugh, by first doing impressions of some stereotypical  bimbo that continously uses the words "SERIOUSLY" and also "LIKE...WHATEVERRR" and not forgetting to mention "TOTALLY"

and then theres my impersination of a Flamboyant homosexual (nothing against them, its just.......im really good at it) it pisses off my mother, but its just worth it, everytime i impersinate that accent and attitude it worries my mother that i may actually be a homosexual, shes says: - Tyler, youre scaring me!" 

With the past few months going by and all the events taking its course in my life, theres been a gain of new hobbies, for example, airsoft,

Of course MOST people dont know what it is, mostly Military people would know what im talking about, Airsoft is like paintball, except the ammunition are little plastic BB's, they can be fired by any gun, electric (immitation of a automatic or Semi-Automatic gun powered by battery) a Spring gun or pistol ( Immitation of a Sniper Rifle, or Pistol powered by.......well a spring)

and then theres is a gas gun, rifles, pistols, shotguns, The point of the game is basically like laser tag, get as many points as you can for your team, I love airsoft for the fun, intensity of BB's flying all around you and the only thing you can think of is either shoot back (even though you dont know where the hell they are) or run like hell!! Ive started playing around the month of July and played a few back, theres gonna be some games at our school, but im not sure if there'll be time for me to do all the things i want,

Oh well, the point today, is that im back at school and im pretty sure more sarcastic rating will come along, just.....wait for it, i guess.......

Tyler

HAHAHAHA!!! LOVES SUCKS!!! B*LLS!!!

Let me get this straight, from what this f*cked up generation shows me, only looks care when you love someone??!!! HA!!! Makes me laugh and piss my pants when i hear of that, because SOME people can't seem to keep the relationships going because

1. the guy just loves boobs and genitals and only likes that person because of that. (NOT WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING)

2. The girl/guy can only be interested because the have the money and power (NOT WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING)

3. The person that you may love turn out to be a completely different person when it come to affection, HA!! That's what i'm getting to experience, let me elaborate:

this person (obviously a girl) is what a call in my dictionnary "Amazingly Beautiful" it was a shocker that this person was single, I was completely moved by her beauty, her smile, her interlectual thinking, her .....fussy eating habits and the way she yelled in English (not at me of course !!) and many other things,

She came a long way from being here in Canada, she came from Congo, yes, she's African, (doesn't really matter) there was times where i wanted to just be alone with her and just talk, talk talk and talk, get to know her and picture myself being a humble and "actual" nice guy that can treat a girl with respect (unlike other men at school). **Sigh**

We first met in grade ten, in gym class, our teacher was teaching us salsa dance and me and her danced, (that was a struggle that i had with anxiety, especially with a person this beautiful is not acting like a b*tch!! Unlike the other hot chicks who smoke pot and give BJ'S to anyone that says that they're hot. :( )

HA!! I remember it like it was yesterday, she was pretty, wonderful hair......see that's the thing about the women of Africa, they tend to have beautiful hair, braided, natural (never seen it though) , smoothed into the back of the head)

It sickens me to see how much injustice for me not to be able to communicate verbally with her, i always write her notes and tell her how i feel, but there's something that wasn't right about that, there was many things that i could truthfully tell her in my letter, but i was just scared that people that she knew may be showed the notes i right her.

And when it comes to sense of humour, she apparently laughs at burps and farts ....(awkward yet funny....somehow) and when i get overconfident about my looks she just laughs because she knows it isn't true that i'm "that" handsome (or even handsome at all, if it's that type of case) ........................**sigh**

As of these last few weeks there has been many complications regarding my feelings towards her, everything is like a roller coaster ride, i love her so much, she doesn't seem to understand my perspective of "love". Either i'm too good looking or there has been some major misunderstanding about me and her. Nothing feels like it's good enough, i want to engage into a relationship and she can't really understand what i'm saying, either that or she just isn't interested, that's when i cracked.........tired of the same routine, she's been chatting with another friend of hers in which "I" also loved for a while, it seemed that she agreed with her that i wasn't beautiful at all, that's was a little too f*cking honest right there!! If she wanted to help me float my boat (other words: make me feel happy) she'd be telling me lies instead of just "avoiding" the question: - Is Tyler beautiful??"

BUT NOOO!!! someone's gotta lay down the fire, one shot can be lethal my friends.....

Anyways, what else can i do?? go play tennis and whack my balls in a jar that says WILSON with a racket??! I haven't headed to the courts yet and that's my discovery of stress relief???!! NFW!!! (No.F*cking.Way)

I am tired of being judge by the looks on the outside (I AM SOMEWHAT GOOD LOOKING!!)
and then be rejected by some s*** that has more sexual relationship than Blanche Devero from the Golden Girls in a week, nothing makes senses, what?? is it my so called "sarcasm" I am not ALL the time sarcastic, during critical situation (like dissing your mom for example) is when i MOSTLY use my sarcasm and then i get LIKELY grounded OK??!!!

I don't know anymore, i'm tired of this same of routine of nice looking people choosing the hockey playing loser instead of a computer genius (who may or may not give you free repairs on your computer!!! ). it always seems to be the pretty people that are the a-holes. Damm!! it just sucks to have someone SOOOOO attractive, and then she turns you down without honesty and then it ends like that.........................................................................................................

Man!! I LOVE THIS BLOG!!! ANYONE ELSE WANNA SEE ME FREAK OUT ON BLOGSPOT.COM???!!!

YEAH!!! Rejection rules!!!

Give'ya an update later today and see what the hell is going on..........

Tyler Mac the depressed

AAARRGHHH!!! Money is the dumbest thing that man has ever invented!!!

Something lucky always happens to me, i have this distinctive thing about lightsabers, it amazes me how a glowing stick manages to make people mad!! I love it!! Sadly, i've always hated the tiny little ones made out of hardened plastic, and the "Plastic" blade was only sixteen inches of length. Like many posts before, i have told everyone that i knew, that i was getting a saber, like it or not my parents let me get a job (i'm sorry, i should have rephrased it: Ready or not.) I was tired of seeing things that where "over" my "allowance", and i was 15 years old when i was thinking about working somewhere, the problem was : where? , besides, My mouth was drooling when i saw this:

And then i saw several other designs that seemed "cool" at the time such as this one:

And then there was many other's that inspired me to buy, but this one (which i've bought) has made me happy at the beginning and then it made me upset was from a company called Saberforge, i'm returning the defective product that they send me (without even any supplies to allow me to attach the blade to the hilt.........curious)

But then i feel in love with Ultrasabers (in other words: I'm trying another company) They make saber out of complete near/undestructable/great color/comes with a screw/good price/good shipping/etc/etc/etc

Sadly, i have to return the first one that i bought already (but.......i already got the money order for the other one.........so.......................yeah!!) Now i'm just trying to find a certain company that makes it easy for me to :

1. Have a continuous supply of sabers (in case of large people want to duel)

2. Have a reliable company that ships really quick (in which Ultrasabers, they do.)

3. They have a variety of sabers (single-sabers, double-bladed-staff, tonfas, kamas, etc. )

4. They can have more than one method of payment (in which Ultrasabers has many, varieting from: paypal, money-orders, etc. )

Nothing else seems to surprise me, but i'm taking care of many things right, now, my school work, my job, my saber issues, my love life, my battle with anxiety and it's entity that lives within me, and there also a problem with me and money, i HAVE TO open a savings account, that's the thing that makes me want to save my money for the near-futur and beyond (like 10 years........or maybe 20 years.)

**sigh** and there's this craving for to point out what's going on with my love life, first of all, to all those who think i'm a f*ggot; my sexuality is currently none of your business, however i will point out something that i am heterosexual.

Anyways, love and sadness have made this a veeerrryyyy bumpy roller coaster ride, there that feeling of loving someone, and then just missing a certain person in your life, like my grand-father for example. I am very attracted to someone as of this point in my life (which i find to be normal at this stage in my life) she's quite the person, she's not from North America i can tell you that (that's it though!!) and she's quite pretty, yet there has been some..........complication regarding our understanding of each other, there hasn't been a day that i think of her, even at work. She make my life special, she means something and plays a part in my life at school, she 's one of the regular people that i speak to. It magical that it makes me feel this way, but then she's one person that you reeeaalllly need to completely have patience with (which in my degree of patience 1 being as impatience as a young child to 10 being patient a Jesus Christ would be, and my rating for myslef would be 5/10, i can tolerate something for a while but then i have to wonder:  what the hell is going on?? is there a change to the plan and i wasn't told about??!"

Anyways, let's see where it goes.

Tyler Mac

What is love?? I don't understand

For someone like me, I see love as a sign of affection, (I'm pretty sure that's an obvious for anyone that reads this) yet what I notice, is that when you think you love someone and can see yourself with them, then the next day, you go and meet that someone, you have a hard time picturing THEM because they are right THERE, it gets complicated into my mind when it comes to that,

my question is: Is there truely love for everyone?? Sadly, i've had little faith in my life when it comes to relationships, i see myself as a complicated person who is hard to understand, and when i say that i will elaborate:  I can't seem to talk verbaly with big words when i'm with someone, however when it comes to chatting with someone on MSN, FACEBOOK, EBUDDY, Etc. i seem to sound like one gigantic nerd that has this GREAT vocabulary, i don't know why that happens, I guess when people don't see me, i don't get nervous, and that comes when i have a relationship with someone,


Like for example, i don't do PDA (Personal Display of Affection) i do PrvDA (Private Display of Affection), that's one of the things I can't control, i don't like for people to know that i'm dating someone, or anything that the world can critize, especially when there are people that can make my life (and other people miserable), it sucks to see what people can do to each other, so cruely, so without regret and remorse (when that comes to murder and rape, of course.) I can't see myself having some public relationship with someone, to me, it doesn't click with me, and besides......i need my privacy.

 But when it comes to being alone with that person and getting that time that you've desired, you get alot of pressure off of you, that's just plain logic, it's simple, if i'm unable to have a public relationship in front of the others, it simply stresses me out. BUT, when it comes to being in your own comfort zone (AKA: Alone with that person that you love.) you get changed immediately.
And besides, there is bound to be people like me (Without the Aspergers) that just want a private relationship. I've always thought before that it was just completely ab-normal that someone would want that.

And when it comes to having someone special in my life, i have none at the momment, what is there to tell if i have nothing?? I do love someone, but is there something that i have to do to get acceptance from this person?? I don't ask someone out via : chatbox, i do it by letter and try  have a nice writing (which i don't have that talent........yet) when i do that, i seem to have that something better than just words, when i write my honest feelings, i have that capability to have anything achieved, getting people to understand (somehow THAT works) whatever the case, i see that writing everything down that i want to say, seems better than words.......it's a bad thing for me, because i need to practice speaking and getting those GD social cues!!

But the sooner the better, is what i say sometimes.

Oh well.......nothing changed yet,

Tyler Mac

Grandfather is gone....and so am I

**sigh**

Writing this, makes me feel cold, I have so many things to catch up, since grandpa's death, (two saturdays ago) i have felt different emotions, Hatred, Depression, Joy, Saddness, and even some that are indescribable , During the time of death of my grandfather, my father has been very sad, i feel very sad aswell, yet i feel bad because i don't share that same feelings as he does, which is of course: Pain, Suffering, Saddness, i feel different, something that is a positive thing, when i heard that my grandfather died, right after work, as soon as i heard the terrible and tragic news, i said to god: - It's not your fault, people say it is, but it's not.''

For the next seven-eight days, i have witness different emotions, met different people that where connected to my grandfather, never have i met someone like him who has the nerve to speak with so many people and change them for who they are. He was kind, generous, funny sense of humour, caring and attentive.

After the funeral, people invited us to his favorite pub, drinks where served, great stories where told about him.

- Goodbye Grandpa." i said as we left the pub with smiles on our faces.

** End**

_________________________________________

Continuing on, Today is my first day of school since i've returned from our ''trip'', I feel depressed lately, even though it may involve Grandpa's death, it took me a frickin while for me to feel the pain, to be honest, i don't see saddness in death, the last funeral i was in, when they buried the person who died, i was sad, yes, but i wasn't sad as in:  I'm really upset that this such person does not exist and i can't stand the baring pain of it, so crying has to help me release the pain...."  i don't do that.

Moving on, Since i've been staying (in total) of two weeks in Ottawa and Montreal, i've been somewhat School-Sick, and my friends that mean alot to me, i've miss them aswell,

Including someone special, lately i've been frantic about a special someone that meant alot to me, (it's been about close to a month that i HAD these feelings) but unfortunately, people have made proof of evil deeds that the person i love has made.

This person has betrayed me, and backstabbed me, i feel used and mocked behind my back. I fully don't understand how a person that meant alot to me and seemed to have a wonderful friendly relationship has the guts to turn like some pathetic A**hole!!! What is the motivation for that??! has there been some contact with some satanic worshiper and has taken possesion of this person??!!! And the worst part is that i've told her my problems and my life with Aspergers and ADHD, and that just sucks monkey ba**!!! I can't believe that i've done that,

It doesn't seem that this person has the guts to do that, when you just look at them.


Let her  go!! i say!!

Tyler Mac

Patience is something that i can`t get through a check

Living with asperger's everyday has been a challenge, espcially when you don't think like everyone does, i have different reasons why i love people, people might object, some people might think it's sweet. yet i don't know why i got that feeling that somebody else is waking up with me, i eventually realize that it was my ego either deflating before i even begin my day.

Patience is something that i have to earn, i basically have no patience anymore, i get tired of being promised something and have to wait t'il tomorrow and then there was some delay and then we have to wait t'il next week, (i won't give any examples because some people might be offended) i am a person that likes people to keep their promises, my parent's are not people that keep their promises, 47.776% of the time we change the whole promise into a little modification, like say, they promised us to go the trails, they promise and we shake hands on it, then they change the promise to their own appeal because they realise that it's just not what they want.

It's happened before in my household........many times, deal are broken, promises are not kept, even blackmailling was a big deal about several years ago. I don't think i can fully trust my parents, if i did, my little conscious would be nagging me telling; - Don' do this to yourself....»

And it goes the same way at school, i never lend any money to people, if they want a chocolate milk, i will buy them one, instead of giving the money to them TO buy the milk, that's how i work. Things that just piss me off, people and their lack of faith into one another.

I just wish my family would be like : - Yes i trust you that you won't crash the car while backing up into the garage EVEN THOUGH yo don't have a drivers license . » (done it once, it went great.) Sometimes, i'd rather be loaded up into work than be at home, it's sad....sometimes, i don't want people to feel THAT bad (LOL!!) I love working, it keeps me busy, and it makes me understand more and more everyday in the work force.

I'm glad i'm returning to work tomorrow, 4-9pm seems like a good shift, gets me away from misery and sometimes i don't want to go to work because i miss the freedom, and then there's the money, where i have to save at least 700$ in my new savings account (which i haven't gotten around yet) and then i have to return my saber that is a defect, i emailed Saberforge, he's not answering, probably on vacation. Then there Ultrasabers, i have to write a money order, i have a shit load of work to do, and that's where i lose my patience because i want to get it done in one night, (the saberforge thing and getting the ultrasabers)

When i get impatient, i get nervous, anxious and getting a little annoying, my parents know that, some of my other family members know that, i can't make anymore mistakes and i can't seemt to speak up for myself because i get to scared of the consequence of one's opinion. And if they say that People with Asperger's are highly intelligent, they why people aren't listening to my ideas to solve things, i you think of it for a minute maybe my ideas one day would create new ones that will change someone or something. The only thing i want is people to listen to what i have to say, sit down have some coffee, i'll get a cookie...we can chat, talk about the weather, then talk about each other, what desires we want when we grow up,  our challenges. Our pros and our cons. 

Take me for example i have some pros and cons that i have to share for people to understand.


Pros:

- I'm nice and friendly
- I respect people for who they are (mentally challenged, ADD, ADHD, Tourette's, Dyslexia, etc. )
- I can make people laugh (sometimes it doesn't work, i tend to over do it)

- I am good with Lego, (i love being creative)
- I can be imaginative, write short stories ( i love creepy horror stories)
- I am a capable person of helping others
- I love my home, and my family (sister included)

Here comes the cons, it makes me a little upset:

Cons:

- I impatient when there's to much to do
- I can be a jerk if people treat me like shit at school (I tend to have this hatred that makes me feel like i have no remorse over those who've hurted me.)

- I can be annoying (i ask ALOT of questions if i don't understand or if i'm getting over-anxious about something, i double-check even with things that i already know because i HAVE to make sure that i don't make mistakes.)

- I try to be independant, but i feel drained when i'm being yelled at by my parents (that doesn't allow me to speak up, because i feel like i'm on a table; tied down and a laser coming up to my crotch and unable to save myself because i'm too weak.)

- I tend to be sarcastic.............ALOT (In my life i took everything seriously when i first arrived at school in Fredericton, there's was many people that took advantage of me, since i was new, they made me believe things that are completely not rtrue, and that's half the story, since i gained that «Knowledge» I was surely humiliated, they mocked me for the things i did as a child (being depressed, and chewing my nails and have that look on my face like if i was in a creepy scary abandoned mansion,)

- I can be a real jerk and get to people's weak spots, (that is something i'm not proud of, i try to contain myself, lately i've been in no firery conversations or fights. I say it now that i can control and just walk away, but then when it happens, it gets more and more stranger how i just shoot my mouth. )

(End of the Pros and Cons list)

Anyways, the basis of this post is that i have to write this down, because i can't take the stress at home and just go and write it down where the stress is.

Today, i feel cheated, betrayed and lied too. Lately my family has been stressed, my grand-father and my grand-mother are both in the hospital, we left last week to visit both of them, it was sad, my grand-father is okay but not stable, the status of my grand-mother is currently unknown to me,

and lately, my family has been stressed because of that, i feel that i'm responsible for it, I was very upset like them. But i feel like it's all my fault.


I don't seem to well today......


Emotionally and Mentally


Tyler Mac