We are Monday, what else can i say??

..........I don't know how to start this post, i have so much in my head right now. Things that are happening at a different rate for each thing. It's like music, they'res differents beats to each part of the sounds of the song. (in some cases)

I'm in love, i can see that everytime i'm with this person. I think Jehovah God truly wanted me to find someone to make me happy. In that time, before she came along, things where somewhat upsetting. It sucked, once again i mention my grand-father's death, several things going on at work, at school, girl troubles, and family. I needed someone to love me. I felt during those months of hardship, that i wanted someone to love me for who i am, someone who won't judge because of my struggles and my difficulties, having ADHD and Asperger Syndrome is like putting the wrong ingredients into a recipe for a cake, we know that a cake is supposed to be sweet, full of taste, but with me its very different (and unorthodox too!!)

I view my ADHD as if you put way too much sugar, you know Red Bull?? well its on my cake!! I won't simmer down. I get energetic, and i feel that huge crash whenever i pull an all-nighter after working until 3am (it was only during the summer)

And i view my asperger's as if i made the cake raw an uncooked. And also missing the icing, which is the best part. The cake to me represents my own identity, and when that cake is baked, it's complete, like I have my own identity, which i find most of the time, i don't. And the icing represents the normality that i don't feel like i have. When the cake is baked and they're's icing, that means to me that i'm ready. I understand social q's. I managed to be normally capable of having a full «normal» conversation. But right now, I'm the cake that's not cooked, I'm missing ingredients, what is that?? what am i missing??!! I know the feeling when something is wrong, but this time it's me, not someone elses fault.

Sometimes, there a part of the day, where i'm alone, and my friends are doing some sh** that i won't do, because i don't like it. And i walk alone, my «special friend» is with someone that has hurted my heart, so i can't really stay around with her. And then there is only this computer that i'm writing this post, at the libary. It's been a lonely year. time for me to wake up and smell the fresh air. I'm seeing someone, i haven't done that in a long time. And she's actually someone of my own religion that i love so much!! Her parents adore me, her eyes makes my heart melt, and so one and so forth (i'm just not going into anymore details) ITS DONE!!!) Well.......for now. Anyways, so the point is, is that this blog helped me for 4 years to relieve my stress (or is it 3 years???!!!....hmmmmm...) And i thank those who managed to read this almost everyday seeing that i posted something different, I managed to meet someone at my grand-father's wake, it was a mother and a father, their child had the same problems as me, i'm glad that she reads this. I hope that saying my opinion can show clearly what I think, It doesn't mean that its not true or that its wrong. Its just my opnion and this allows me to release some anxiety to the everyday problems that i faced. *sigh* theres just so much to do , my last year of high school is starting to take the toll on me.

Lets just hope that i just don't pull the plug already, because i have so much to face, yet i'm already getting the feeling that i should just surrender and runaway with my life

And that's how it ends.

for now......

Tyler

My sister, so much to say

My sister is my friend, ever since she was born I always knew she was going to be precious towards me and our families life. Even as we got older until this very day, I definitely need help, i've pissed my sister off so many times. There's been so much conflict between me: always being a sarcastic brat!!  and her: doing her exaggerations and her drama's and her bad-ass attitude.
and personnally, I'm in no mood to rant about her anymore. I just want to get along, I love my sister, If she was dying, i would give my own heart to save her, I feel like she derserves more than the regular sarcastic sh** i give her. I love it when we get along. I always seemed to make her laugh at night, ( of course she was over tired) And she makes me laugh as well. She doesn't thinks so, but she does. At night, I laugh out loud sometimes because of her.

Sometimes, we always had those soft momments. She'd ask me for advice, when she was down i cheered her up, (of course i'd had to humiliate myself of course) I hate when i'm a smart ass with her, she's my friend and my sister, It hurts me everytime she looks at me when she's angry, I hate that so much!! !

And knowing that i'm the cause of her not talking to me, i feel like my face just got grabbed and was thrown into horse sh**!! Because its stinks to lose her because of me.
And the last few weeks have been nothing but back and forth yappity yap yap!! And i'm tired of it. I mean, when i get married and MAYBE have children, i want them to get along with there aunt Cassandra, i'd rather have my children get along with her than f**king everything up with her because i can't have a «normal» conversation with her. I was actually thinking several times, my possible children saying - Dad? Why don't you talk to your sister??» I would not know what to say to that. - Son, Your dad never got along with your sister.»
That makes my heart grumble, minus that i'm hungry, but theres room for guilt right??

I hate having my sister not be able to understand the different way of thinking, and i especially hate when I just hurt the hell out of her, she said to me: - Sarcasm hurts.......» she said in tears. I just want everything to get better, things won't go away easily, I have to learn, she has to learn, we both have to learn. I want to get along, way before i get married, have kids (again, repetition of what i said earlier on this post) and have that relationship with my sister as a BFF, my sister means everything, and her saying to me she'll never forgive me ever again, makes my heart feels like she just took a nailgun and just kept on shooting at me, piercing me with all the flesh tearing away, and we all know that after flesh, there is the bones, the muscles, etc. Eventually it will lead to my heart, and she'll rip it to shreds.

My sister Cassandra, means everything to me, and I hate being the smart mouth hurting her, I admit, i've hit more than three strikes, i'm already out, i'm done, but she has to know that i'm sorry. Whatever happens, she may or may not have made the right descision, she knows what she's doing......and frankly......she was right, i don't know what i'm doing


*sigh* whatever

Tyler

Someone needs help, and that someone is ME!!!

Meeting different people during my time at school as frankly become another game of twister. Some people are great and fun to be with, while others are just complete little f*cking bitches!! (forgive the language, its nessecary for me to make a point)

I remember posting a year ago of meeting a girl one time, that seemed to be one of a kind, frankly this person really show her true colors. Of course she came from another part of the planet, she viewed things differently, it all became clear of what she viewed me. A apparently stupid teenager that did not understand me at all. She was impossible to work with. To communicate normally was even harder, since i  got really uncomfortable, i always layed a pointless joke to try and ease the pain.  It sucked to finally realize that this person was quite the nagging and cranky person she was. And thinking that there was a connection back then was a huge mistake.

For after that whole year, the summer was the hardest, i kep thinking of the pain she gave me and i had to absorb it all in, it was like i did not have the time to weep. The tears never flowed beyong my eyesight, it was just complete sh*t!! Facebook became another drama, writing down my emotions seemed hard enough as it is, and reading her profile and seeing her face made me angry. It was uncontrolllable anger. Of course, i keep my anger in secret since there is so many important things to do. And during that time, my grandfather died and i was not myself. I was easily hurted and angered at school. I didn't care for school at all. Listening to myself seemed only to make things worst. So just shutting up and go to school and work is all i could really do.

*sigh* Now this person has become an annoyance in my life. She doesn't make sense, she's friends with one of my «close» friends, and with her in the picture, it seems that nothing can happen since she's there. The only time i have with my «special» friend is at the congregation and helping her with her English homework, then we used to go to the libary and talk, but my «speical» friend is being dragged away from me from that person. That person is angry with me because she realized that she was wrong and treated me like shit!! And that makes me proud, not because i pissed her off, i made her realize what she did wrong. And she's not speaking and ignoring me, like any other little brat would.

She acts so innocent and pretends like nothing happened. But when i talk with my «special» friend, she's so pissed that i have someone better than her. With all of this joy happening, why do i feel like shit??!!

Luckily, i have no answer at the momment, but i have only an ideal concept, i don't like arguing with friends, and frankly, that person was sorta my friend. She would text me telling about her boyfriend back in her country, i would encourage her, even though she hurted me, i always thought there would be hope for change.

I was wrong, she was just a b*tch, and i can't do anything about it. She's a child, and she doesn't know what she got herself into. She always called me stupid, because i joked and laughed with one of her guy friends (whom is my friend as well. ) She tried to fit in, yet she doesn' succeed because she doesn't understand what WE are saying and since she doesn't, she just calls me stupid.

WHAT A BUNCH OF SH*T!!!!!

That's when things in my life get so hard that i say: F*CK IT!! IM DONE!!! THANKS FOR PLAYING!!! I GIVE UP!!!»

Whatever happens, lets just hope its for the good of things.

Tyler

Nothing seems right, no more logic

Alright, so many days have been passing by, craps been happening at home (minor) and at work (MAJOR).

Alot of bullshit has been cramping around school, nevertheless i really dont care, mostly my sarcasm has left its intactity, (in other words: its not intact) frankly i dont know why things have been so hectic lately, its like the event themselve look at my agenda and just go : lets just piss off that little f**ker!!» and smiling and then head to work by creating my life into a living hell.

But things this week are starting ok, i've returned to my congregation, seeing my old friends there, (no one my age thats why i said my OLD friends) Being back as a Jehovah Wittnesses has made things better, seeing the great influences rather than be overlooked by some rejects at work that dont have any morals and loves they're own egos. Its been great, however, things are getting weirder,

sadly, my heart bleeds for another, it doesnt make anysense, but of course wheni write my sentimental poetry, it makes everything better. for those years of being a Jehovah Wittnesses, theyre was no one my age to socialise with all things spiritual and even to hang out, but the beginning of the school year is the best thing happening right now, things are changing as i write this down. I've met another wittness at our school, since the absence of the last graduates of my school (whom 5 years ago there was only 1 wittness there at the school) finally i've met another with glad sincerity. Its a female, quite the personnality that i like, she's fantastic, amazing, funny, smart, and quite the joker (ok, funny was already there but still..)

Things are going ok, lets hope things stay that way..

Tyler Macfarlane

Drunk........*sigh*

Its been a long day last weekend, here in Fredericton theres been a Festival in which case i DETESTE as of Saturday. The Havest Jazz and Blues Festival had been a regular occuring event here in Fredericton. Of course, theres alot of people attending the Festival, people laugh, cry, laugh again.....then they drink alcohol. On the 17th of September, i was working At Subway from 6pm to 3am (in other words, i was closing that day)

It was around midnight- 1am (i really forget the time) We where cleaning up the restaurant and occassionally serving some customers, and then cleaning again.

I was assigned on Drive-thru (my favorite thing of to do at work), i served a few cars then and there. Suddenly, this blue car pulls from the Canadian Tire gas station (which is on the far right from the store, quite the walk) and these FOUR drunk people (1 male 3 females) ALL intoxicated. I've never had to be this much patient with these customers in my life at Subway. They where cooperative, yet i felt very uncomfortable, later on i found out i could of had them removed from the store by the cops, (since our policy states that if an employee feels uncomfortable while serving an intoxicated customer, i can call the cops) yet i would have called the cops, but the manager later told me the whole policy thing AFTER they left probably DUI'ing without care.

The reason i hate the Harvest Jazz and Blues Festival, was because OUR Subway, somehow gets several intoxicated customers and it really bothers me. What i really dont understand is that the Festival is ALL the way down the hill and OUR Subway is ALL the way UP the hill. Which prompts me to say that there is a Subway near the Festival, but yet they decide to fricking go up the hill and then just f**k us up and stall the customers and make themselves look bad.

*sigh* And i hate being in charge, our store has hired more people, and some people from other stores transfer to our store. And Saturday (the 18 th of September) was basically the same thing. Except i was in charge, I thought it would be great to lead the newbies and teach them how to do things. Except that handling angry customer would have to fall to MY responsibilities. And on that Saturday, that was the worst day i've had to work during the school year. Two hours of non-stop customers, especially when theres a group of teen-french-quebecers that just tried to stall the line and made us really shaky and almost made me snap!!!

Right now, i have a full school week to get my mind of work and hopefully i have a better closing next friday (although i have airsoft on Sunday....YAY!!)


Whatever happens, its gonna be more that a footlong of trouble LOL!!

Tyler Macfarlane

Oops, what happened??

Finally, theres been so much going on that taking time to write down on my blog has been a near impossibility,

Lets see....whats been going on??  Work, School started, its been cool but theres been alot of Drama and emotional stress beyond belief,

Everything seems to fall apart during the Month of May, June and them started to cool down around July and then August started to make progress,

The only problems i can really share with people right now is just my own struggling with emotions, my grandfathers death was a kick in the canal, (anal canal, just to let you know) Frankly, I dont care about other peoples opinion as of now, it just makes so difference into what youre going to do,  I mean, heading to Montreal twice in two weeks was a middle finger to the circle of life, at the same time, it started to f**k up the family, we where very stressed during that time.

and now its my last year in high school (according to time itself.) the thing i love right now is Online classes, im doing technologie of design. whatever makes me happy at school is the people that listen to me (by just listening, thereby no needing to reply to my statements) and then the joy i get to make people laugh, by first doing impressions of some stereotypical  bimbo that continously uses the words "SERIOUSLY" and also "LIKE...WHATEVERRR" and not forgetting to mention "TOTALLY"

and then theres my impersination of a Flamboyant homosexual (nothing against them, its just.......im really good at it) it pisses off my mother, but its just worth it, everytime i impersinate that accent and attitude it worries my mother that i may actually be a homosexual, shes says: - Tyler, youre scaring me!" 

With the past few months going by and all the events taking its course in my life, theres been a gain of new hobbies, for example, airsoft,

Of course MOST people dont know what it is, mostly Military people would know what im talking about, Airsoft is like paintball, except the ammunition are little plastic BB's, they can be fired by any gun, electric (immitation of a automatic or Semi-Automatic gun powered by battery) a Spring gun or pistol ( Immitation of a Sniper Rifle, or Pistol powered by.......well a spring)

and then theres is a gas gun, rifles, pistols, shotguns, The point of the game is basically like laser tag, get as many points as you can for your team, I love airsoft for the fun, intensity of BB's flying all around you and the only thing you can think of is either shoot back (even though you dont know where the hell they are) or run like hell!! Ive started playing around the month of July and played a few back, theres gonna be some games at our school, but im not sure if there'll be time for me to do all the things i want,

Oh well, the point today, is that im back at school and im pretty sure more sarcastic rating will come along, just.....wait for it, i guess.......

Tyler

HAHAHAHA!!! LOVES SUCKS!!! B*LLS!!!

Let me get this straight, from what this f*cked up generation shows me, only looks care when you love someone??!!! HA!!! Makes me laugh and piss my pants when i hear of that, because SOME people can't seem to keep the relationships going because

1. the guy just loves boobs and genitals and only likes that person because of that. (NOT WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING)

2. The girl/guy can only be interested because the have the money and power (NOT WHAT I'M EXPERIENCING)

3. The person that you may love turn out to be a completely different person when it come to affection, HA!! That's what i'm getting to experience, let me elaborate:

this person (obviously a girl) is what a call in my dictionnary "Amazingly Beautiful" it was a shocker that this person was single, I was completely moved by her beauty, her smile, her interlectual thinking, her .....fussy eating habits and the way she yelled in English (not at me of course !!) and many other things,

She came a long way from being here in Canada, she came from Congo, yes, she's African, (doesn't really matter) there was times where i wanted to just be alone with her and just talk, talk talk and talk, get to know her and picture myself being a humble and "actual" nice guy that can treat a girl with respect (unlike other men at school). **Sigh**

We first met in grade ten, in gym class, our teacher was teaching us salsa dance and me and her danced, (that was a struggle that i had with anxiety, especially with a person this beautiful is not acting like a b*tch!! Unlike the other hot chicks who smoke pot and give BJ'S to anyone that says that they're hot. :( )

HA!! I remember it like it was yesterday, she was pretty, wonderful hair......see that's the thing about the women of Africa, they tend to have beautiful hair, braided, natural (never seen it though) , smoothed into the back of the head)

It sickens me to see how much injustice for me not to be able to communicate verbally with her, i always write her notes and tell her how i feel, but there's something that wasn't right about that, there was many things that i could truthfully tell her in my letter, but i was just scared that people that she knew may be showed the notes i right her.

And when it comes to sense of humour, she apparently laughs at burps and farts ....(awkward yet funny....somehow) and when i get overconfident about my looks she just laughs because she knows it isn't true that i'm "that" handsome (or even handsome at all, if it's that type of case) ........................**sigh**

As of these last few weeks there has been many complications regarding my feelings towards her, everything is like a roller coaster ride, i love her so much, she doesn't seem to understand my perspective of "love". Either i'm too good looking or there has been some major misunderstanding about me and her. Nothing feels like it's good enough, i want to engage into a relationship and she can't really understand what i'm saying, either that or she just isn't interested, that's when i cracked.........tired of the same routine, she's been chatting with another friend of hers in which "I" also loved for a while, it seemed that she agreed with her that i wasn't beautiful at all, that's was a little too f*cking honest right there!! If she wanted to help me float my boat (other words: make me feel happy) she'd be telling me lies instead of just "avoiding" the question: - Is Tyler beautiful??"

BUT NOOO!!! someone's gotta lay down the fire, one shot can be lethal my friends.....

Anyways, what else can i do?? go play tennis and whack my balls in a jar that says WILSON with a racket??! I haven't headed to the courts yet and that's my discovery of stress relief???!! NFW!!! (No.F*cking.Way)

I am tired of being judge by the looks on the outside (I AM SOMEWHAT GOOD LOOKING!!)
and then be rejected by some s*** that has more sexual relationship than Blanche Devero from the Golden Girls in a week, nothing makes senses, what?? is it my so called "sarcasm" I am not ALL the time sarcastic, during critical situation (like dissing your mom for example) is when i MOSTLY use my sarcasm and then i get LIKELY grounded OK??!!!

I don't know anymore, i'm tired of this same of routine of nice looking people choosing the hockey playing loser instead of a computer genius (who may or may not give you free repairs on your computer!!! ). it always seems to be the pretty people that are the a-holes. Damm!! it just sucks to have someone SOOOOO attractive, and then she turns you down without honesty and then it ends like that.........................................................................................................

Man!! I LOVE THIS BLOG!!! ANYONE ELSE WANNA SEE ME FREAK OUT ON BLOGSPOT.COM???!!!

YEAH!!! Rejection rules!!!

Give'ya an update later today and see what the hell is going on..........

Tyler Mac the depressed

AAARRGHHH!!! Money is the dumbest thing that man has ever invented!!!

Something lucky always happens to me, i have this distinctive thing about lightsabers, it amazes me how a glowing stick manages to make people mad!! I love it!! Sadly, i've always hated the tiny little ones made out of hardened plastic, and the "Plastic" blade was only sixteen inches of length. Like many posts before, i have told everyone that i knew, that i was getting a saber, like it or not my parents let me get a job (i'm sorry, i should have rephrased it: Ready or not.) I was tired of seeing things that where "over" my "allowance", and i was 15 years old when i was thinking about working somewhere, the problem was : where? , besides, My mouth was drooling when i saw this:

And then i saw several other designs that seemed "cool" at the time such as this one:

And then there was many other's that inspired me to buy, but this one (which i've bought) has made me happy at the beginning and then it made me upset was from a company called Saberforge, i'm returning the defective product that they send me (without even any supplies to allow me to attach the blade to the hilt.........curious)

But then i feel in love with Ultrasabers (in other words: I'm trying another company) They make saber out of complete near/undestructable/great color/comes with a screw/good price/good shipping/etc/etc/etc

Sadly, i have to return the first one that i bought already (but.......i already got the money order for the other one.........so.......................yeah!!) Now i'm just trying to find a certain company that makes it easy for me to :

1. Have a continuous supply of sabers (in case of large people want to duel)

2. Have a reliable company that ships really quick (in which Ultrasabers, they do.)

3. They have a variety of sabers (single-sabers, double-bladed-staff, tonfas, kamas, etc. )

4. They can have more than one method of payment (in which Ultrasabers has many, varieting from: paypal, money-orders, etc. )

Nothing else seems to surprise me, but i'm taking care of many things right, now, my school work, my job, my saber issues, my love life, my battle with anxiety and it's entity that lives within me, and there also a problem with me and money, i HAVE TO open a savings account, that's the thing that makes me want to save my money for the near-futur and beyond (like 10 years........or maybe 20 years.)

**sigh** and there's this craving for to point out what's going on with my love life, first of all, to all those who think i'm a f*ggot; my sexuality is currently none of your business, however i will point out something that i am heterosexual.

Anyways, love and sadness have made this a veeerrryyyy bumpy roller coaster ride, there that feeling of loving someone, and then just missing a certain person in your life, like my grand-father for example. I am very attracted to someone as of this point in my life (which i find to be normal at this stage in my life) she's quite the person, she's not from North America i can tell you that (that's it though!!) and she's quite pretty, yet there has been some..........complication regarding our understanding of each other, there hasn't been a day that i think of her, even at work. She make my life special, she means something and plays a part in my life at school, she 's one of the regular people that i speak to. It magical that it makes me feel this way, but then she's one person that you reeeaalllly need to completely have patience with (which in my degree of patience 1 being as impatience as a young child to 10 being patient a Jesus Christ would be, and my rating for myslef would be 5/10, i can tolerate something for a while but then i have to wonder:  what the hell is going on?? is there a change to the plan and i wasn't told about??!"

Anyways, let's see where it goes.

Tyler Mac

What is love?? I don't understand

For someone like me, I see love as a sign of affection, (I'm pretty sure that's an obvious for anyone that reads this) yet what I notice, is that when you think you love someone and can see yourself with them, then the next day, you go and meet that someone, you have a hard time picturing THEM because they are right THERE, it gets complicated into my mind when it comes to that,

my question is: Is there truely love for everyone?? Sadly, i've had little faith in my life when it comes to relationships, i see myself as a complicated person who is hard to understand, and when i say that i will elaborate:  I can't seem to talk verbaly with big words when i'm with someone, however when it comes to chatting with someone on MSN, FACEBOOK, EBUDDY, Etc. i seem to sound like one gigantic nerd that has this GREAT vocabulary, i don't know why that happens, I guess when people don't see me, i don't get nervous, and that comes when i have a relationship with someone,


Like for example, i don't do PDA (Personal Display of Affection) i do PrvDA (Private Display of Affection), that's one of the things I can't control, i don't like for people to know that i'm dating someone, or anything that the world can critize, especially when there are people that can make my life (and other people miserable), it sucks to see what people can do to each other, so cruely, so without regret and remorse (when that comes to murder and rape, of course.) I can't see myself having some public relationship with someone, to me, it doesn't click with me, and besides......i need my privacy.

 But when it comes to being alone with that person and getting that time that you've desired, you get alot of pressure off of you, that's just plain logic, it's simple, if i'm unable to have a public relationship in front of the others, it simply stresses me out. BUT, when it comes to being in your own comfort zone (AKA: Alone with that person that you love.) you get changed immediately.
And besides, there is bound to be people like me (Without the Aspergers) that just want a private relationship. I've always thought before that it was just completely ab-normal that someone would want that.

And when it comes to having someone special in my life, i have none at the momment, what is there to tell if i have nothing?? I do love someone, but is there something that i have to do to get acceptance from this person?? I don't ask someone out via : chatbox, i do it by letter and try  have a nice writing (which i don't have that talent........yet) when i do that, i seem to have that something better than just words, when i write my honest feelings, i have that capability to have anything achieved, getting people to understand (somehow THAT works) whatever the case, i see that writing everything down that i want to say, seems better than words.......it's a bad thing for me, because i need to practice speaking and getting those GD social cues!!

But the sooner the better, is what i say sometimes.

Oh well.......nothing changed yet,

Tyler Mac

Grandfather is gone....and so am I

**sigh**

Writing this, makes me feel cold, I have so many things to catch up, since grandpa's death, (two saturdays ago) i have felt different emotions, Hatred, Depression, Joy, Saddness, and even some that are indescribable , During the time of death of my grandfather, my father has been very sad, i feel very sad aswell, yet i feel bad because i don't share that same feelings as he does, which is of course: Pain, Suffering, Saddness, i feel different, something that is a positive thing, when i heard that my grandfather died, right after work, as soon as i heard the terrible and tragic news, i said to god: - It's not your fault, people say it is, but it's not.''

For the next seven-eight days, i have witness different emotions, met different people that where connected to my grandfather, never have i met someone like him who has the nerve to speak with so many people and change them for who they are. He was kind, generous, funny sense of humour, caring and attentive.

After the funeral, people invited us to his favorite pub, drinks where served, great stories where told about him.

- Goodbye Grandpa." i said as we left the pub with smiles on our faces.

** End**

_________________________________________

Continuing on, Today is my first day of school since i've returned from our ''trip'', I feel depressed lately, even though it may involve Grandpa's death, it took me a frickin while for me to feel the pain, to be honest, i don't see saddness in death, the last funeral i was in, when they buried the person who died, i was sad, yes, but i wasn't sad as in:  I'm really upset that this such person does not exist and i can't stand the baring pain of it, so crying has to help me release the pain...."  i don't do that.

Moving on, Since i've been staying (in total) of two weeks in Ottawa and Montreal, i've been somewhat School-Sick, and my friends that mean alot to me, i've miss them aswell,

Including someone special, lately i've been frantic about a special someone that meant alot to me, (it's been about close to a month that i HAD these feelings) but unfortunately, people have made proof of evil deeds that the person i love has made.

This person has betrayed me, and backstabbed me, i feel used and mocked behind my back. I fully don't understand how a person that meant alot to me and seemed to have a wonderful friendly relationship has the guts to turn like some pathetic A**hole!!! What is the motivation for that??! has there been some contact with some satanic worshiper and has taken possesion of this person??!!! And the worst part is that i've told her my problems and my life with Aspergers and ADHD, and that just sucks monkey ba**!!! I can't believe that i've done that,

It doesn't seem that this person has the guts to do that, when you just look at them.


Let her  go!! i say!!

Tyler Mac

Patience is something that i can`t get through a check

Living with asperger's everyday has been a challenge, espcially when you don't think like everyone does, i have different reasons why i love people, people might object, some people might think it's sweet. yet i don't know why i got that feeling that somebody else is waking up with me, i eventually realize that it was my ego either deflating before i even begin my day.

Patience is something that i have to earn, i basically have no patience anymore, i get tired of being promised something and have to wait t'il tomorrow and then there was some delay and then we have to wait t'il next week, (i won't give any examples because some people might be offended) i am a person that likes people to keep their promises, my parent's are not people that keep their promises, 47.776% of the time we change the whole promise into a little modification, like say, they promised us to go the trails, they promise and we shake hands on it, then they change the promise to their own appeal because they realise that it's just not what they want.

It's happened before in my household........many times, deal are broken, promises are not kept, even blackmailling was a big deal about several years ago. I don't think i can fully trust my parents, if i did, my little conscious would be nagging me telling; - Don' do this to yourself....»

And it goes the same way at school, i never lend any money to people, if they want a chocolate milk, i will buy them one, instead of giving the money to them TO buy the milk, that's how i work. Things that just piss me off, people and their lack of faith into one another.

I just wish my family would be like : - Yes i trust you that you won't crash the car while backing up into the garage EVEN THOUGH yo don't have a drivers license . » (done it once, it went great.) Sometimes, i'd rather be loaded up into work than be at home, it's sad....sometimes, i don't want people to feel THAT bad (LOL!!) I love working, it keeps me busy, and it makes me understand more and more everyday in the work force.

I'm glad i'm returning to work tomorrow, 4-9pm seems like a good shift, gets me away from misery and sometimes i don't want to go to work because i miss the freedom, and then there's the money, where i have to save at least 700$ in my new savings account (which i haven't gotten around yet) and then i have to return my saber that is a defect, i emailed Saberforge, he's not answering, probably on vacation. Then there Ultrasabers, i have to write a money order, i have a shit load of work to do, and that's where i lose my patience because i want to get it done in one night, (the saberforge thing and getting the ultrasabers)

When i get impatient, i get nervous, anxious and getting a little annoying, my parents know that, some of my other family members know that, i can't make anymore mistakes and i can't seemt to speak up for myself because i get to scared of the consequence of one's opinion. And if they say that People with Asperger's are highly intelligent, they why people aren't listening to my ideas to solve things, i you think of it for a minute maybe my ideas one day would create new ones that will change someone or something. The only thing i want is people to listen to what i have to say, sit down have some coffee, i'll get a cookie...we can chat, talk about the weather, then talk about each other, what desires we want when we grow up,  our challenges. Our pros and our cons. 

Take me for example i have some pros and cons that i have to share for people to understand.


Pros:

- I'm nice and friendly
- I respect people for who they are (mentally challenged, ADD, ADHD, Tourette's, Dyslexia, etc. )
- I can make people laugh (sometimes it doesn't work, i tend to over do it)

- I am good with Lego, (i love being creative)
- I can be imaginative, write short stories ( i love creepy horror stories)
- I am a capable person of helping others
- I love my home, and my family (sister included)

Here comes the cons, it makes me a little upset:

Cons:

- I impatient when there's to much to do
- I can be a jerk if people treat me like shit at school (I tend to have this hatred that makes me feel like i have no remorse over those who've hurted me.)

- I can be annoying (i ask ALOT of questions if i don't understand or if i'm getting over-anxious about something, i double-check even with things that i already know because i HAVE to make sure that i don't make mistakes.)

- I try to be independant, but i feel drained when i'm being yelled at by my parents (that doesn't allow me to speak up, because i feel like i'm on a table; tied down and a laser coming up to my crotch and unable to save myself because i'm too weak.)

- I tend to be sarcastic.............ALOT (In my life i took everything seriously when i first arrived at school in Fredericton, there's was many people that took advantage of me, since i was new, they made me believe things that are completely not rtrue, and that's half the story, since i gained that «Knowledge» I was surely humiliated, they mocked me for the things i did as a child (being depressed, and chewing my nails and have that look on my face like if i was in a creepy scary abandoned mansion,)

- I can be a real jerk and get to people's weak spots, (that is something i'm not proud of, i try to contain myself, lately i've been in no firery conversations or fights. I say it now that i can control and just walk away, but then when it happens, it gets more and more stranger how i just shoot my mouth. )

(End of the Pros and Cons list)

Anyways, the basis of this post is that i have to write this down, because i can't take the stress at home and just go and write it down where the stress is.

Today, i feel cheated, betrayed and lied too. Lately my family has been stressed, my grand-father and my grand-mother are both in the hospital, we left last week to visit both of them, it was sad, my grand-father is okay but not stable, the status of my grand-mother is currently unknown to me,

and lately, my family has been stressed because of that, i feel that i'm responsible for it, I was very upset like them. But i feel like it's all my fault.


I don't seem to well today......


Emotionally and Mentally


Tyler Mac

Decisions, Decisions

Ok,

As i've said before, i love FX sabers, i've seen them in Bathurst, and i've seen a shitload of them in a comic store in Ottawa. That was my greatest desire: to have an fx saber, I've looked and drooled at the sites that offered them, PARSABERS, SABERFORGE, ULTRASABERS, you name e'm.

I've ordered the Regal, as i've said before, Now i've decided to get another one from Ultrasabers, it's another competitor of Saberforge and Parks, but i've decided to collect them and one day have a big gigantic saber battle, ( a childs fantasy and a dream i once had)

Let me get to the basics, i've made some heavy research (as all the research i do) On Ultrasabers, i will also compare it to Saberforge's sabers, quality and customer service (SO FAR)

Here we go:

Ultrasabers:

Info:  A company that makes machined dueling sabers, like any other, (well most of them) they machined high strong aluminium and turn it into sabers that are bright like an angel that descends from the heavens down onto the earth. they offer two extra blade colors: Silver and Orange.


Difference from Saberforge: I see a mild difference between these two companies (i checked them on McAfee they are not scams, i might be wrong) To begin, they have more variety in products and accesories, (such as: battery holder for those who make they own blade, different types of blades : Fx dueling blades, Mid-Grade dueling blade and other.)

They have dozens and dozens of sabers, saber staffs, curved sabers, regular sabers, and they even can modify your own Hasbro Fx sabers to convert it into a dueling saber or you can buy a kit on how to make the conversion yourself. Unlike saberforge, when you order a saber from Ultra, they send you a retention screw that allows you to insert/remove the blade without any hassle, the sabers are made to duel with your friends (If they have an Ultrasabers or .........Saberforge) 8( and they are very affordable (the price ranges around 45.00$ to 200.00$)

Opinion: Like my declaration, i've decided to buy an armada of sabers, (bring them to school....joking.....halloween??....joking) and i'm goind to buy a "test" saber Here is the victim of my evil experiments: MOUAHAHA!!!!  It's not the ONE exactly, i'm giving you what an ultrasaber looks like:

It looks simple, and you can see on the top of the opening of the hilt.................THERES A RETENTION SCREW WOW!!! THAT is what holds the blade tight, and i've emailed them to confirm if all of the sabers comes with a retention screw and they said yes. I am excited..........but wait!!

I need to start saving money, i gotta open a savings account, get my next paycheck and deposit on the savings and they...........well...maybe.......i'll be able to FUFILL my evil experiments, MOUAHAHA!!!!

Patience is what i need , i know i got a saberforge just a few days ago, but.......i am a collector, working or not (okay working is my best choice) I'm going to find my futur saber supplier and then i will enjoy them and then........beat the crap out of my sister with (EN GARDE!!)

Wish me luck joyfoul readers who are completely not related to me.

Tyler Mac

Something deceitful

I received my Saberforge custom LED saber March 29th, It was amazing design and craftmanship, it was smaller than the photo i saw on the web. The hilt was heavy alone without the blade, and as i looked through the package ti see if there was an Allen Wrench or a screw of some sort to attach the blade, there was none.


I was happy to have the saber yes, but it was a disapointement to see that there was no Allen Wrench to allow me to attach the blade into the hilt.........it sucks!! but i gotta suck it up , (somehow i don't feel like doing that)


i've made a little «Évaluation» of the saber


Design:  4/4: The design is unique,

Hilt Intergrity: 4/6: Everytime i shaked the hilt there was something moving in there, i don't think that was the intent of the designer

Acessories: 1/3: Nothing except the blade the kil key that allows the saber to be turned off while traveling in your car's trunk, and the hilt, and the shipping receipt, what?? no nice letter saying: Thank you for buying from Saberforge....NONONO!!! It might be because he was busy, but he's gotta at least have sympathy regarding me buying onw of his sabers.

Customer Services: 3/6: He seemed very polite, yet i think it be better off by NOT answering my emails with short little phrases such as a question like : - Dear Saberforge, i'm just wondering if i can get an update on my order that i placed last week..

Then he would just answer: - It shipped out last week......»

WHAT??? No detail when it would arrive??!! I gotta stop because the Customer Service is becoming more than a paraghraph.

Saber Brightness: 4/5: It was brighter than what i've seen previously on the web, on the videos they look like real lightsabers (that is what i thought until the guy on the video shows the saber on a table with the lights off and the blade lights would beam off the table and makes it look like the real  Jedi Master Yoda with his bare claws.)

Extra Notes: I ordered a recharge port and rechargable battery pack, (NOTE: When i remove the kil key, there's a voice saying: - Sabersound Version One point O (O as in Oh GOD!!) and here's the funny part, i plug it in the battery charger it repeats half the words really fast and the battery charger plugged into the wall keeps flashing on and off, on and off,

I'll maybe post some photos of my saber.....


Thanks for reading

Tyler Mac

Something is coming.....and i'm excited,

For several years, i've been always of big fan of Star Wars lightsaber replicas, when i went back to visit my friends back in Bathurst, on of my friends had a Darth Vader FX saber, it was cool, i've always wanted one since then, it sounded cool, it can still remember the features: the sounding saber hum, the clasing sound upon hitting something, and many other things,

for years i've been trying to save (and by the word: " Save" i mean spending what little i had as soon as i got it.) money for something like that, but years ago, when you're in a thirty dollar a month allowance, you can't seem to find a way to make cash even though you're fourteen (at the time) and that you wanted to get a job but there is no trust at that time. So i had to wait, but on the way to my 16th birthday, i found some sites that where selling custom LED sabers,


You may ask what are LED sabers?? Clearly you guys need to do your research, but no need to rush down on the computer tonight and search on google: What the hell is a LED Saber??. no need to worry, i've done all the years of research, a LED saber is a lightsaber replica which are either machined or handcrafted, the Saber have a basic design decided by the designer,

Afterwords, the process of making the saber becomes diverse, they are many directions that the saber maker can go, it is all about choice, wether to make the coloring mecanism of the blade inside the Hilt (the thing that holds the saber) or inside the blade that goes INSIDE the hilt. And if the saber maker wants to put electronic on the saber (like the saber sound and the color LED chip), there has to be a choice of what sound to put on and where to make the vent holes on the bottom of the hilt which allow the sound to be heard.


Anyways, then after the saber hilt is completely finished, the is one two more things you have to do (besides adding the electronics on the hilt) is

1. and a retension screw on the top of the hilt (which when the blade is place on the hilt, you insert the retension screw on, and the blade in not removable and would allow the saber-wielder to fight on swing without the blade to come off)

2. find a blade. simple....let me elaborate on that.

::: The blades that you find on a Hasbro toy (such as the Darth Vader fx saber back in Bathurst) are not stable, and are easily destroyed if a person or persons decide to duel with the sabers, they will break eventually, however, you can find a small amount of little homemade companies making custom dueling sabers for a small profit or even a hobby, such companies are found only on the internet and can ONLY buy from the Internet

Two sites have been the most biggest money makers when it comes to making custom LED sabers

One is : http://www.parksabers.com/

INFO: This company is runned by a small amount of people, but is motivated by a whole lot of saber fans from what i've researched. They where first seen back in 1993 at COMIC-CON events where they would sell the're sabers for quite a high price, but it's worth it, because it's handcrafted by professionals. They're saber have no sound, but the color electronics are inside the blade (unlike other saber makers, where the electronics are inside the hilt and once you remove the blade a press the button......you've got a frickin jedi flashlight) so which allows you to buy different blades with different colors in them.....cool.


OPINION: I don't want to say anything negative, (in which case i usually do) Parksabers may be one crazy child's dream (which was my reaction when i saw the site three years ago) sure, there is a few copied Star Wars franchise sabers, i don't see how it's custom desgined by imagination, and unless you're an impatient person hoping that you're saber would get priority one shipping, guess again, the making and packing takes about 10-12 weeks to get there, no critizing just crazy customers.


2. the second is more fun to look at: http://www.saberforge.com/

INFO: Well, this is the guy i've ordered from what i've heard and seen on my computer screen, that the saber's are the brightest sh*t at night, (so i'm gonna scare some fricking ding dong ditcher's one night...and pound the shit outta them!!) and that the prices are really affordable (but i must warn you about shipping cost, where i live: 44.10$..ouch)

this "company" is runned by two-three-four-five-six people top notch, and they have experienced much customer complaints about the timing, and delay for the saber building process. but i know they'll get out of this mess.

OPINION: These guys can take alot of crap from customers from what i've read on www.fx-sabers.com on the forum section. these guys have my trust and i'm prettty sure that if my saber comes out like crap on a sunday morning, they'll fix it, they've done it before.


Here is a photo of the saber, it's not actually mine for say: it's from the website. here:

See ya

TYLER MAC

Parents Make Mistakes?

It's been quite a while since i talked about my parents, i'd always thought: i should let people know what my parents are like"

Oh ho!! It just gets better, my family is important, but lately it seems that it starts to crumble like a an earthquake rumbling in the middle of the Jordan River where the quake is so strong that there a flock of fricking sheep and it was seperate from it's sheperd. In today's world more and more families and torn apart, aren't listening to each other, they're always different stories, she said this, he said that, it's just bullshit that families are completely seperated because the lack of communication, they are several different things that can .....improve the situation, what i find first is to understand the parental language and communication skills that are highly advanced (and also the gayest thing in the world)

This is why i always have something to come up with, they don't know how i think here's an example:


(Mother and Father are discussing between each other) **Note that is minorily (new word) similar to a real situation....no exagerrations pinky swear promise**

I walk in the room and try to get them to understand me after a confrontation involving : school, sister, and friends. (totally not true NEVER happened) My sister comes in and tells my parents of something "Apparently" very bad that i've done. (As people in the streets would say : - What you talking about b***?!!!" ) Anyways, i've was totally shocked that my sister would bring so much drama and chaos to one simple MISUNDERSTOOD thing,

As you know, when girls reach puberty, they tend to get : (i say stupid, but i'm just ranting when i'm saying that) they get completely unpredictable, frig, they should have a National Geographics documentary intitled: How to deal with your b***  of a teenage Son and Daughter (i put the capital letters on "son and daughter" because....- We are important in mom and dad's life love you. LOL..HA!! what a joke. "

I've always had a question, do parents really have a favorite son or daughter?? What a minute, why am i doing this?? it's not the kids fault, it can actually be the parent's fault!! WHAT??! IMPOSSIBLE!!! PARENTS ARE PERFECT IN EVERYWAY!!!

It seems that i've been witnessing some things about my parents that are just cute and priceless and what just not the parent-code-of-honor. Oh the joy of seeing my creator of flesh and blood cursing at us, telling us to shut-up, and expecting us to crying so badly, when it doesn't appeal to them they tend to increase the rage and shame and make us think : - Shame on you!! Tyler!! Never treat your sister like that!! " and goes for the reward and says : - Good girl, you my best creation, i'll listen to you until i'm old and rusty (already half way there) you want a cookie?!!! Good Girl!!!"

And me, since i'm a rebel of the family (besides my dog) I am completely indepenent, i used to think : - wow, mom and dad do the coolest things a walk to the park?!! That's the shit man!!" Now it's just like : - Get away from me, can't we just talk and TRY to really understand me??!! You're not used to have someone with Asperger's and i feel VERY different when it comes to analysis of my parents and when they think that they know me!!! well they don't!!!


One of the concepts that i use when it comes to our family is: Being Misunderstood, Different, awkward, impatiences, etc.


Frig, that's basically it, i have one that just eats more than half a cheesecake when  he/she's upset (THIS IS NOT THE GOLDEN GIRLS!!!) and one can't calm the f*** down, he's apparently a supersonic yelling machine!!! His basic superpowers is: Stupid actions thatc an cause complete chaos to the family (thank you very much, one for me) yelling at a grave but loud volume that can make our dog sing as if the moon was full and he was a fricking wolf. and the last but not least my sister: An overexagerrated-dramatic-trouble-causing-two-timer-tattle-tale-little-twerp!!! ................................................................................................................oh and she craves attention!!!

let me give you some phrases that i've managed to translate with the help of some years of experience (do not try this with YOUR blog, it may cause some anger, frustration, total anxiety, etc, etc.)


Phrase 1: Anger issues: - OK SHUT UP YOU JERK!! (try to picture her all tomatoe red and tears, and an overly loud voice that sound 20% softer than the voice of God)

 Phrase 2: Exagerrations: - You never listen to me, you always pay attention to Tyler and you TOTALLY IGNORE ME!!" (WBC - WhataBunchofCrap)


Phrase 3: ???? : Sister: - NONONONO!!! You're not listening!!! i meant that i telll you something and you don't listen, and they i have to yell and yell.

Mother: - I know, i just said that!!

Sister: - NONONONONONONO!! you don't!!!!



Thanks for reading 

Tyler Mac

 Send me your opinion, subjets i can comment on? anything, just click here (note: negative emails will be deleted and will be marked as junk)

It's been a while

Well.....thinks have been pretty hellish, i can't say exactly what it is, because i'm just not sure. I'm either on the verge on manhood, or in the stanges of a sinner. I can't say for sure what's inside of my head.

My job going great got my second paycheck, nothing seems to be a fuss there, somewhere, inside of me, changes are being made, inside my consience just telling to do new exciting things (which some of them can be a little: Je ne sais quoi. and others are: You'll be in shit after that.)

But there is a bigger situation that i find more serious that other previous adventures or problems life had to give me. There is a great temptation that i've been offered, a offer that makes my mind go unstable. It has been almost five days of secrecy, unfortunately i can't reveal the offer for a while, (since it has been a critical moment,)

And also, i apologize for not updating the blog as i usually do. I've been busy (working, the offer, etc.)

I'm back.

First day of second semester

I'm writting this post in the second period, Science: WOOHOO!!  some people in the class can just piss me off. I can't mention any names. Nothing seemed to be clearly expected. We're learning about diseases and viruses. Basically where about twelve people in the class. Whatever, is what i have to say, i also have Spanish (luckily i was hoping that my sexy voice and my good looks PLUS the spanish language would make a good impression on the Spanish ladies. )

BULL SHIT!! i can the class next year. Luckily i can.


Just a quick update of what i'm doing right now.

Tyler Mac

Second Semester-Second Chance

Ah finally, the end of the first school semester, the tears have ended, love has left me, i have no other choice but to stop looking. Lets see, what has been productive so far in the month of Febuary???

1. Got my first paycheck (Hooray!!)

2. Getting dissed again by my higher authorities (Think for a minute)

3. Managed to get the worst class in the second semester (some of them teachers are just a bunch of SOB'S)

not much really, passed my exams, got a girlfriend (Now that last one was funny and was made up!!) ( It was a boyfriend) (OH!! SCARED YOU THERE!!!)

No seriously, i've come to realise that sometimes love is an absolute sure thing, they can never make there minds when it comes to me (thanks girls!! thanks alot!!)

Do i really have to wait until i start growing grey hair (in both places....what?? the pits!!)

hopefully it doesn't happen like that.

Tyler Mac

..........................................I can't believe anymore

I have failed, i needed someone,  i have revealed and i have failed, my heart was taken and thrown back into it socket shaken.....i was not delighted. My heart is bleeding, my eyes are moist with tears of shame, i can never be the same...i have failed myself and my feelings. My instincts are false, my life has crumbled the moutains, my horrific face has scared the eyes of children for to long.

She lied, i believed it, she says she was joking about it, i couldn't be more shattered, i am destroyed, love has left my soul and has disintegratted as it left me, i have no more affection. My heart has been crushed by her foot, it aches as i rise from the collaspes ashes of my soul, i can't take this pain no longer. I never deserve love. I never have been worthy.

I deserve a lonely death, i deserve pain and suffering, They all had me fooled....i had myself fooled. I was shocked, i am ready to cry right now as i write. My eyes are soaked with pain and have decloaked to the crowd that watches me.

Jehovah God, i don't not blame, i blame myself, my life at school has changed, i have never should have spoken out, I can only hate myself, My heart aches, she smiled and walked away. I was ready to jump, i crushed myself.

I vow to never love again......

your hear me??!!!!!

Well....i hope you did.

Man...this isn't good..really...i'm pretty sure.

Oh god, what the hell have i done?!!! i couldn't take it anymore, i had to tell her, it wasn't pretty, i couldn't stand it any longer. What have i done lately to derserve this???!!! Let me tell you what i've done, (i apologize...it happened yesterday After i published yesterdays post)

I was having a ball with my friends and with her, it was great, i liked it, actually i enjoyed it whatever the case, she smiled at me, she made me feel special, and i like special, somewhat??? it's hard for me to express myslef honestly in front of someone's face, with Asperger's, my anxiety has increased my stress when it comes to romantic relationships. I can't have this any longer, that's why i wrote her a note, i remember precisely what i wrote i'll just translate from french to english (whoopee!!) 

: Dear (Name of Person)

I write this note today to express my joy over our friendship, i value it very much. I have been trying to write properly (not bad my writing?) (i wrote the note in pencil) 
I have to be honest, frankly i have been feeling some emotions that are rare in my case, I enjoy your smile and your laughter. It makes me feel so good inside, what else can i say?? I really value our friendship. 


Awwww.....wasn't that sweet??!!! (really...i don't see how that was sweet but i found to be a honest letter) i kinda of think i gave her a hint of my true feelings and my true intentions. (what are my true intentions??!!!) wellhelll... i kinda sended her an email telling that i wanted to be more that friends...well if possible....i mean you don't have to, kinda of thing. 

I feel like a pathethic A-Hole that is just focused on romance, i am crazy about this girl and i tried to keep it to myself...(maybe it didn't hurt to tell her After the exams!!) I wanted to hang out with her and take it slow. Or maybe will get there fast but then we'll take it slow'' no time for classic rock songs!!! I need to frickin have to come up with some genius plan to un-charme her for the time being: Maybe i can come to school in my underwear??!

Oh she'll like that!! Really, no ok, she won't.

I feel like i need succeeded in a way that i felt that i kept my secret for a while. (about two months.) i can't handle the pressure when i see her!!! Shit!! i can't!!! It's like i made the biggest mistake iin my life by writting a fr*cking letter (what??!!! you didn't expect me to say fuck??? whoops didn't cover that!!)

Well there goes another day with me and reality just behind the corner.


Tyler Mac

I can't help myself......i really can't.

I've never been lucky with relationships, never. maybe once, but that was a long time ago (maybe about four years) I was tormented by my own feelings that stood in the way of being friends and just staying as friends. I can't seem to aquire any girl-friends because those i start to become friends become my crushes. i need to keep at least six months of secrecy between love and confessions. I can't understand myself and my feelings, my feelings for a certain someone has been a confusing roller-coaster ride. Going up and down, and just sometimes i get so immature  that i always had faith that i never will love someone. (i can't seem to find the right person that can relate to me: being different, and being excluded, i don't see that journey with someone yet. but do i have to have that journey with someone??

Can't we all have our love written in some heaven for saken book that God himself had already planned out. I love someone and i can't have that feeling stand between our friendship. I can't....i just can't. I can't tell her name, i wish i could, (if she ever found about me writting my fellings about, and she could read a little English) I think she doesn't me the  way i see myself. I see myself as a : Defection, a human being unable to understand the cooperation of social beings that communicate through social gatherings and some random shit like that.....

I'm pretty sure she'll make someone happy, but not me, i don't see myself going up to her, sitting at the table in the middle of the lunch hall talking and getting to know her, it's not like i can't do it, it's just that i haven't had the guts to do it. Maybe someone can be a nice person and give me a confidence boost.

Drop me a line/quote/comment/comments of encouragement/offerings/sacrifices (your first daughters are ok with me) at : findtheequationordie@hotmail.com it sounds like a stupid email, but i just had no idea of what other email names i could find. I really need some fucking encouragement. I really need it.

Or we could have a bake sale?? a picnic??? I dunno what to do, i really could uses some help, i i kind of exagerrated on the whole gonna spend my paycheck on a girl that i have no chance with kinda thing.... I will not make a mistake for the 30th time, trust me, at my age, i'm pretty sure my readers are able to compare with me.

I get so upset because i have the lack of courage, i manage to take her out to pizza once....just once....i wasn't that momment of PRP (Pure Romantic Perfection) (i'm gonna have to make a list of those)

I have to define my choice of title that i used for this post, I just can' help myself of be tempted to go out there in the middle of the crowd saying : Marry..mme...i mean....will you go out with me.....ah......i .....i'm really nervous....... and thinking:( F*ck!! i suck !!! ) then later saying: You...you....you don't have to go out with me.....in my head: (yes you do) and continuing: I'm kind of a dooshbag when i speak to girls.. ( wait a minute??!!! she speaks french)

Let me rephrase everything just for the sick fun of it.

: Épouse.... mmoi..... je veut dire....voudrait to sortir avec moi.....euh...je.....je suis vraiment nerveux et je pense: ( Tarbarnac je suce!!! ) et après je dit: Tu....tu....tu n'a pas besoin de sortir avec moi...dans ma tête (Oui tu dois) et je continue : je suis un dooshbag quand je parle au femmes.


Ok let me be just a little more stupid and do it in spanish:

Tengo que definir mi elección del título que he usado para este puesto, yo sólo puedo ayudarme a mí mismo de la tentación de salir en medio de la multitud diciendo: Cásate con la señora .. ... .... i media se de salir conmigo ..... ah ..... ...... i estoy muy nervioso ....... y pensar: (F * ck! chupar i!) y más tarde diciendo: Tú ... tú .... que no tiene que salir conmigo ..... en mi cabeza: (sí usted hacer) y continua: Soy una especie de dooshbag Cuando hablo con las niñas ..


Anyways remember the comments you can leave me....i'm a little stressed out: so remember.

findtheequationordie@hotmail.com

Tyler Mac

I'm sorry, this is just too much to handle...i can't decide...what the F to do.

I can't seem to realize of how selfish o can be with money, i always have cash to burn just for myself, but then today, it all changed, i was planning to spend my paycheck on a CMFXLS (Custom-Made-FX-Lightsaber) from Saberforge.com. But then...i saw her......she was beautiful, her hair, what she wore, her smile, AHH GOD!! It was never more clear to me, i needed someone like her, (or maybe i NEEDED her) i'm not mentionning any names. I wanted to tell her everyday that i love her: but i ruin my life by saying it . '' I wanted to get her a small gift (50-100$ basically) a small token of our friendship. By giving her a gift, i would kill myself just to see her smile when i give her something that means alot to me, (and a hug would be nice once in a while....but like it would happen)

I was glad to see her today, i was shocked of how amazing she was with her hair, her elegant look, her beautiful smile that made me smile when i made he laugh (i wasn't being gross) i was making fun of myself, and basically she enjoyed it, I was so happy to make her laugh, i was happy to be with her, was that all i needed??? or did i need something to make me feel more happy with someone that i felt back then?? i wanted to give someone something meaningfull to me. She is meaningfull. I know it. I can't see me being with her, i can't...but i wish, one wish i would like is for me to be with someone like her (again....maybe herself. )


I can't decide.....what can i do??? i've made myself clear that i wanted to spend my paycheck on a CMFXLS (do i have to identifie each letter???)


I need support and a decision.


Thanks for reading


Tyler Mac

This is getting a little intense

Today is the day, where i will press my feet on to the floor,  i will walk to the restaurant, get on my uniform, and start learning to make sandwiches, i will be an experience i won't forget, but as i right this i am completely nervous and can't seem to find any aspect that will bring any positive reflections about the first day of work.

I am so close to freaking out, freaking out as:i'm gonna shit myself as i make some guy's sandwich, but then, there is hope of me making it right, i think that after all the nerves get over your body, you can consume it and take it as an advantage.

What else can i do about it?? i might be making good money, i can buy my own lightsaber from saberforge.com (really good site....trust me,) or i can buy two (and if you buy two they can make it a double lightsabe...ANYWAYS!!) i can buy a special someone a special-someone gift. (It's not my mother.....ooops!!) it didn't mean it like that, (ok maybe i did just a little) but i pledge to save half of my paycheck (or more....rarely) and the rest i buy myself something nice (or my parents and even......MY SISTER (shocker) but still) The point was that making it to my first job was all up to me, and i'm proud of that,


Here we go to a new adventure.

Sweet Mother of Pearl!!!

Tyler Mac

White Cheddar, Cheddar or Moneray Jack???!!! OH shit!!!

I cannot believe it....i'm a working man, certainly there is joy and happiness that is involved, but i can't seem to make any sense to what i'm gonna do when i step in the restaurant and make some food. I get so worried about things, then i become a fortune teller. I can't control my anxiety when it comes to new experiences but i'm sure i'll overcome the fear of seeing a photo of me and my ugly face with a hat and aprin and saying everytime : I'll be with you in a momment, or , Hey boss...how do you do this again (x 234 times) and many other fancy lines that you basically use when you work at a food joint.

I didn't expect any of this to happen, honestly, i never thought i'd be working at a Subway. It was weird. As of this coming friday i will be making every man, women, children, and sometimes animals (if they peep they're heads and beg for ham then...yes) sandwiches. I'm in trouble....seriously, to me a job is like a vase, it a fragile thing. If i do something wrong, then BADABING!! you're outta here!! (and then theres BOOOMMM!!! for the vase itself)

I thank my parents and other family members for supporting me, i think my first job will be a good one, (and hopefully i can be good at making sandwiches. )

Thank You

Tyler

BUSTED!

Just an hour ago, someone got busted....the guy was some common known drug user, all i saw was some cop dragging some guy that got busted, i saw him climbing up the stairs in cuffs.

OH YESS!!!!! It's been since grade seven ince i saw a bust right in front of me, last time was in the school bus. Let me describe the story that took place. It was the year....what?? 2005 ?? it was a sunny afternoon, school was over for the day, and we expected nothing else to happen on the bus besides: swearing from the olders kids, and them talking about stupid stuff that really us children (at the time) shouldn't be listening. but yet they don't care.

I was sitting with a friend when this happened, the bus passes on by the highway and ends up entering into its regular route by turning to the entrance to one of the neighborhoods, but we suddenly started to slow down and we turned to the fire station near one of the residential areas (AKA Neighborhood) And the bus makes a three-sixty and aims the bus to the road again, but we parked at the station, no one had any idead why we had to stop, i didn't...honest...but then the bus driver comes to the back and talks to two teens, and asks them if they had any drugs or achohol of any kind, yet they deny, the driver says he saw a can of something through his window.. but they again, deny anything claim that was made by the bus driver. Finally the bus driver decides to take no chances and calls the authorities. In about 98.6 seconds after he made the call, one of them tries to leave the bus, the bus driver tells him to stay at his seat but he just walks out and head to the residential area.

The thoughts in my head after was: - One down, one more to go. » Then a nice shining car with beautiful decor (actually it was just stickers) and lovely blue and red top lights (my sarcasm in that statement should have been funny)
Anyways, a nice beatiful cop (a girl- mid thirties) and my friend that i sat beside said to me: - Oh my god!! i know that cop! she's like my friend. » And she decides to talk and wave at her, so they spent about one minute and one second talking...IN WHICH DURING THAT TIME!! the suspect could have escaped from the back, nice going!!! the suspect got away because of the lack of focus from the cop....the end!!!!


NO just kidding, as if!!! No really the cop actually took about one minute (see that!! saved a second from my exagerration!!! wacha think of that now?!!!) and she directed herself to the back of the bus (by just walking forward, it wasn't really hard...well unless you count the big backpacks that can trip you like some frickin jerk that just decides to trip you)
And she talks to the suspect (not gonna name his name) and she asked him what was going to the teens. And i swear every single little kid (uncluding me) just turned our heads straight to the back just like: SWOOOOSH!! and you can see from the back, twenty pairs of eyes just looking and giving the: What the frickin heck his going on??? kinda look.
And she asks the suspect to come out to the front of her cruiser (not a sea vessel nor a starship starting with the initials U.S.S) and she searches his bag (spoiler time!!!!) she grabs a huge thick bottle of beer, it was huge... Like FIREWOOD THICK LOG HUGE !!!! she cuffs him up and takes to the magical land of prison.

Tadaa!!!

Kids of today....my god,

For frigs sakes, i cannot believe the stories i hear of todays children.....i was completely shocked of what had kids today had developped. For example: Kids have sex at a younger age. And they have begun to be exposed to drugs and sex so early, basically its either the influence of parents and television, I go to school where there is a big population of little kids, and its quite the shocker when you see them and what they wear,

I know some of them, I used to socialize with them, the language and influence of the older beings, i and the girls just dress like they are 26 years old and reveal the boobs, (well the cleavage) and basically they see the stars, the influence of people on TV and just they have changed since the lame years of the 1980's. Like children back then apparently where less stupid and they had a little common sense when it came to danger of drugs, sex, violence, and most of all: under age drinking''   I know it's a little exagerrated but i have spoken to everyonw and it's just seems to be a natural thing at school, i don't understand why the hell they do that, understanding that the law states that you have to be older than 19 years old (i recommend it) But these kids are just drugged with the way of real adults, i can't believe it....i was just unable to understand why they do it.

Is there a point??

I don't know anymore.


Oh well.

It's 2010 and i need to change my life.... i know it's mostly a custom for people who pledge to do something different in there life.....usually like: I pledge to eat less fast food''

Well i have quite the pledging to do. I have many things i have to do that can change my life, let me give you some examples (just a few) :

 I pledge for the year 2010 to:

- Get a job

- Get a girlfriend (less possibilities...but i'm not complaining)

- Make sure i keep my sarcastic mouth shut (damm!!!)

- Ensure that i pass my exams (It's the bomb...exams are the bomb....i repeat..the bomb)

- Buy an FX Saber (ok, ok not really a pledge...but mostly it's a statement)

- To ensure the safety and security of my sister (it's dangerous out there, once she's out of the fence...it's all over)

- Keep an eye out for bargains at the mall that may or may not involve clothes (it's a comittment)

- And...did i mention get a job???


Yeah basically that some of the pledges that comes into my mind (especially the buying an FX saber) and other that are more important (Buy an FX....get a job)

And i hope i can get the chance to find a job that i wont stress out....(especially in these economic days) I AM NOT working at McDonalds or any fast food joint that promotes bad eating (especially the joint that offer toys with too much led) I was thinking like a sports store, a gaming store, a clothing store??? I'm not sure, anyways i have these ideas and it comes along.

OH well.